


Lost Without Your Love; A Musical Fanfiction

by mvernet



Series: The Hits Of The '70's [19]
Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blair doesn't know, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluffy, Hint of a Crossover with The Sentinel, Jesse doesn't know, M/M, May have accidentally discovered Naomi Sandburg's Baby Daddy, Meant to be sappy, Multi-Songfic, Okay so yeah Jesse Jones is Blair Sandburg's biological father, Partial Crossover with The Streets Of San Francisco, Period-Typical Homophobia, Possible Prequel, Unrequited Love, bromantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 15:56:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14452680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mvernet/pseuds/mvernet
Summary: As Kira enters their private world, Hutch finds Starsky’s diary under a tree and comes to the wrong conclusion.A musical-fic using sixteen, cout ‘em, sixteen of the greatest hits of Bread. Canon divergence starting with Starsky vs. Hutch. Some lyrics changed gender, but the love is universal.Lost Without Your Love; A Musical FanfictionInspired by The Best Of Bread/Bread Greatest Hitshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBNipOQ6HZE





	1. I Found Your Diary

Chapter One Songs

Diary  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnRc1saiTUU

Baby I’m-a Want You  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_tbv8HXsXA

Take Me Now  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB51LDjee4Y

~~~***~~~

Chapter One

I found his diary underneath a tree  
And started reading about me  
The words he'd written took me by surprise  
You'd never read them in his eyes  
They said that he had found  
The love he'd waited for  
Wouldn't you know it  
He wouldn't show it

~~~***~~~

Hutch sat under a tree at the park in his running gear of shorts, tee-shirt and sneakers. He played absently with the black and gold “Master Tournament” frisbee that Starsky had wanted to test drive this gorgeous spring morning. Since a frisbee game needs a least two players, Hutch was awakened on his Saturday off by his partner pulling him out of bed and pushing a coffee mug into his hands. A promise of a picnic brunch already packed into the trunk of the Torino, sweetened the deal his partner offered. He never let the curly-haired imp know that denying an enthusiastic Starsky anything was impossible for Hutch, even if he was sleep deprived.

Hutch hadn’t been sleeping well lately. His lungs had never fully recovered from his near death experience with the plague, and his recent bout with botulism poisoning had pushed his damaged lungs to their limit. He barely passed his latest physical and the doctor suggested he take the test for Lieutenant and settle into a desk job. But that would leave Starsky without a partner so he trashed the idea immediately. Some nights his own weezing had him on his couch trying to sleep sitting up. Which in turn made his shoulder ache where he had been hit with a bullet.

Hutch was getting older, and bouncing back quickly from injury and ailments was a thing of the past. He knew that was defeatist thinking, but as he lay in bed at night the regrets of his past and the aches of his present conspired to rob him of sweet dreams. And when he did sleep, erotic dreams of making passionate love to his male partner left him looking at the light of dawn with despair and a heavy heart. Hutch was in love with Starsky, but too frightened of his new powerful cravings and of losing him to tell him how he felt.

Starsky had run off to use the facilities and find an ice cream vendor. Hutch was content to sit in the shade, Starsky’s brunch of hero sandwiches, chips and pickles making him drowsy. He put down the frisbee and noticed Starsky’s journal resting open under the tree. Hutch had given Starsky the journal after he was kidnapped by the Simon cult. Starsky’s therapist at the time had recommended that Starsky write out his more private feelings on the pages of the book. Starsky had balked at the idea of writing in a “girly diary,” so Hutch bought one for him with the image of a white knight atop a noble steed on the cover. It was a reminder to Starsky that Hutch would always be there for him.

Hutch picked up the diary and straightened a page that had been crimped, meaning to close it and put it in Starsky’s canvas tote bag. He was surprised Starsky was still using the journal, thinking that his partner had only used it for a few sporadic attempts at poetry and prose during his recovery. Now it was almost full. Hutch loved Starsky’s poems, the few he had been privy to read. He couldn’t help himself when his eyes fell on the open page. 

 

Baby I'm-a want you  
Baby I'm-a need you  
You're the only one I care enough to hurt about  
Maybe I'm-a crazy  
But I just can't live without  
Your lovin' and affection  
Givin' me direction  
Like a guiding light to help me through a darkest hour  
Lately I'm a-prayin'  
That you'll always be a-stayin' beside me

Used to be my life was just emotions passing by  
Then you came along and made me laugh and made me cry  
You taught me why

Baby I'm-a want you  
Baby I'm-a need you

Lately I'm a-prayin'  
That you'll always be a-stayin' beside me

Hutch held his breath. Could this have been written about him? His heart began to pound as he allowed the hope long denied to blossom. He read the lyrical poem three times before he closed the diary and his eyes, and melted into a desperate daydream.

I need  
Baby I need your love right now  
And I want  
Baby I want to show you how  
Come on  
You know that we've waited long enough  
And now it's time  
Time to be lovers

Hutch’s needs and wants tumbled to the surface of his mind like seashells in a spring tide. Starsky loved him too. The same way. It was finally time to admit it to themselves and become lovers. Partners in all things.

So I try  
Try to be all you want me to  
And it's hard  
But baby it's worth it all for you  
And it hurts  
Making me wait for you this way  
I can't go on  
So come on  
And take me now

Hutch tried to put aside his pain. All the lost loves and failed relationships. This was David Starsky - the other part of his soul. Their relationship was already rock solid. They could take this change of heart and make it something beautiful.

Take my love  
Make come true the feelings I've been dreaming of  
Take me now  
Take me fast  
You can trust in me  
Our love will ever last

Hutch opened his eyes and looked at the picture-perfect sky above him, dotted with just the right amount of non-threatening clouds. Could this really be happening? Hutch wanted Starsky so badly he was in actual pain most of his waking hours. He sat up and searched the area for his love. What was taking so long? Why did it always take so long to find happiness?

I know  
We’ve known each other for so long  
But still  
Something so right just can't be wrong  
Besides it ought to be up to me and thee  
When it's time  
Time for each other

Hutch held the diary to his chest and lowered his head to his drawn-up knees. He felt dizzy and frantic. Now that it was time to face his partner and claim his love, he regretted only the time wasted.

I live  
Live for the day we’ll live as one  
Look back  
Back over all the things we've done  
But now  
Baby I need your love right now  
I can't go on  
So come on  
And take me now

But now a bright future was breaking open in front of his eyes. The future he knew they were destined to have. It would be hard, both of them being novices at a brand-new lifestyle. Maybe they would have to quit being cops. Hutch smiled at that. He knew that would be no problem at all. The taste they both had at being unemployed had only solidified the fact that they could face anything together. Hutch spotted Starsky trotting towards him Eskimo Pies in hand and a self-satisfied grin on his handsome face.

When he confronted with the writing there  
Simply pretended not to care  
I passed it off as just in keeping with  
His total disconcerting air  
And though he tried to hide  
The love that he denied  
Wouldn't you know it  
He wouldn't show it

“Here ya go, Hutch. Dessert fit for a frisbee master. Hurry up and eat it before it melts.”

Hutch took the ice cream treat in his hand. “Thanks, babe. Thanks for everything.”

Starsky raised an eyebrow as he plopped down next to his partner. “What ya talkin’ about, Blondie? You okay? Your shoulder botherin’ you?” 

Hutch was touched as never before by Starsky’s constant show of care and love. Probably playing frisbee was a ploy to get Hutch out in the sunshine, gently exercising his shoulder while having fun. Hutch played with the packaging on his ice cream. “Your diary, Starsk.” Hutch nodded to the book that had fallen from his lap. “It was open under the tree. I...I read the last poem you wrote.” Hutch took a several bites out of his treat, trying to act casual when he had never been more invested in a conversation in his life.

“Oh, well. Doesn’t matter. I got no secrets from you, Blondie. It was just some words I was playin’ around with.” Starsky licked the drips from his ice cream with his tongue. “What did ya think of it?”

Hutch couldn’t help but see his action as erotic. He placed a hand on Starsky’s leg below his cut-offs. He began to rub the furry skin. Starsky didn’t seem to mind. “I loved it, babe. So earthy and sensual.”

Starsky took a big bite of his ice cream and chuckled around it. “Jeez, Hutch. You’re talkin’ in your sexy voice. My attempt at poetry turn you on?”

“Oh, yeah. I thought you really captured the way a man, a man like you would want someone.” Hutch had forgotten his Eskimo Pie and the creamy drips were making a path down his arm.

“It sure has made you hot. You’re drippin’ all over the place. You want any more?” Hutch shook his head and continued touching his partner’s body. Starsky chuckled deep in his throat. “Look at you! What are you - two years old?” Starsky took the melted ice cream from Hutch’s hand and put it aside for the ants to enjoy. He finished his own ice cream and grabbed some napkins to clean up his partner.

And as I go through my life  
I will give to him my love  
all the sweet things I can find

Starsky held Hutch’s wrist and pulled him a little closer to swab at the currents of ice cream flowing down his arm. Hutch murmured softly, “Sweet. All the sweet things, baby. I want to give them all to you.“ Hutch leaned in and nuzzled Starsky’s curls then planted kisses on his neck. “Baby, I’m a want you, too,” Hutch whispered in his ear.

Starsky pushed Hutch away. “What the hell you doin’, Hutch?” He looked at his partner’s passion-filled eyes and was stuck by suddenly awareness. His own blue eyes opened wide. “You thought that poem was about you? Hutch - I wrote it about Kira. I… I think I’m in love with her, partner.”

I found his diary underneath a tree  
And started reading about me  
The words began to stick and tears to flow  
His meaning now was clear to see  
The love he'd waited for  
was someone else not me  
Wouldn't you know it  
He wouldn't show it

Hutch tried to breath through the pain from the sucker punch he’d just received. He willed away his shocked tears. “What? Kira?”

“Yeah, buddy. I got feelings for her. Feelings I thought I buried years ago. I think she’s the one. I was gonna tell ya, but with our track record with women, I wanted to be sure.”

“What are you talking about, Starsky? You think you’re in love with… with… “

Hutch had heard all the rumours. Kira was the worst kind of back-stabbing career woman. His friend Tom in the Bomb Squad told him she broke the heart and broke up the marriage of his partner, Phil. And if you had an hour, Minnie would tell you her opinion of Kira the Cock Gobbler as she not so fondly called her, in minute detail. 

Hutch had listened. But Hutch gave Kira the benefit of a doubt, since she did an excellent job the times they’d worked together. He knew Starsky was seeing her and was spitefully glad that his partner had settled for the female version of a fuck buddy. If Hutch couldn’t have Starsky, at least weekends with Kira put him in a good mood for weekdays with Hutch. 

What solidified his opinion of her was when she offered him a threesome with Starsky and if that wasn’t in the cards, she’d still make it with Hutch. She’d said she really enjoyed doing partners together or apart. Hutch never talked to Starsky about it. The last thing he wanted was to watch Starsky making sweet love to a blonde, blue-eyed woman.

“With Kira, Hutch. Kira. As a matter of fact I’m going to pop the question real soon. I want to marry her. I told her to meet us here today. I want you to get to know her better.”

Hutch was devastated that Starsky was in love with Kira of all women. He wanted to scream and tell Starsky his opinion of this terrible choice. He wanted Starsky for himself. But he knew now it was simply a thing of dreams.

“Hutch? What’s going on with you, huh? You think I wrote that about you and you accept it? Just like that? You… you got those kinda feelings… for guys?”

Hutch stumbled to his feet and slapped on a grin. “I was just kidding you, Starsk. I got you, too. Big time, you sap! Had you going there. Hey, listen. I gotta go. Two’s company, three is… not gonna happen in my lifetime. Don’t worry about me, I feel like a run. I’ll see you Monday at the station. But all joking aside, pal. You must know I only want your happiness.

Hutch ran off leaving a perplexed Starsky behind.

Hutch began to jog out of the park, but as soon as he was out of sight of his partner, he stopped to try and catch his breath. He pulled the hated inhaler out of his pocket and took a puff. Starsky had pushed it into his pocket this morning. “Don’t forget Lou-wheezey,” Starsky joked as he always did to stop him from feeling like a worn out loser. Hutch was surprised at the wetness he found on his face. “Oh, man. I am such an idiot.” He straightened and walked slowly towards Venice Place.

~~~***~~~

Sunday brought April showers, but Hutch had dodged the raindrops and Starsky to carry out his plans. He started at dawn and by sunset, he pulled into the Dobey’s driveway in a used, blue 1972 Chevy Nova, his suitcases and guitar packed in the spacious trunk.

Edith greeted him with a sincere smile at the door. “It’s so good to see you, Ken. My Lord, you shaved off your mustache! Mmmhmm. I’m glad you did, it aged you. Now when are you going to get a haircut, young man?” Edith laughed and pulled Hutch into a hug. Hutch melted wearily into her welcoming arms. ”You are staying for dinner, I don’t care what you say. The kids are at their Grandma’s house, so you and Harold can discuss whatever you have to in private.”

Hutch reluctantly let go of his Boss’s wife. Her hug had felt like a mother’s love and he was in desperate need of the milk of human kindness right about now. But he shrugged it off. “Actually, Edith, I have something I want to talk to both of you about. But dinner sounds great.”

“Your mama didn’t raise a fool, I see. No one can cook like my Edith.” Captain Dobey called from the living room. “Come in, son. Take a seat.” 

Edith, always the perfect hostess asked, “Hutch what can I get you to drink? Beer?” Hutch sat on the edge of the couch and glanced around the pleasant living room nervously. “Ummm. No, just coffee if you have some made, Edith, thank you.” She nodded and gave him a small pat on the back. “Coffee, Harold?” 

“I’ll take a beer, sweetheart, if you don’t mind.” She smiled sweetly as Harold turned to Hutch. “You got a new ride?”

“Yeah. Picked it up today. Belonged to one of Huggy’s cousins.”

Harold chuckled. “And the engine hasn’t fallen out yet?”

Hutch smiled. “Runs like a dream so far.”

They briefly discussed Hutch’s naked upper lip, then moved on to the benefits of a six-cylinder car and the outrageous price of gas. Edith returned with the beverages and a bowl of mixed nuts. She sat across from Hutch on the arm of the easy chair that contained her husband. She sought out Harold’s hand and waited for Hutch to tell them why he was really there.

Hutch looked down at the goldenrod-tinted shag carpet. Edith and Harold exchanged quick worried glances. 

“I’m resigning.” Hutch looked up and didn’t have to wait long for a reaction. Harold raised his eyebrows and huffed. Edith patted his hand telling her husband silently to tread carefully. Edith said quietly, “What happened, Ken?”

“I haven’t felt one hundred percent for a while. I guess I’m burned out. It’s getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I can’t seem to even remember why I became a cop…”

Harold leaned forward and said sincerely, “We’ve all been there, Hutch. If you need personal leave to get your head on straight, consider it done.”

“Thanks, Captain. But it’s not only that.”

Edith asked, “It has something to do with Dave, doesn’t it. You two have a falling out?”

Harold grumbled. “It’s not about that tramp Kira is it?”

“Harold!”

“I’m sorry, Edith, but she’s no lady and Starsky’s been mooning after her all month. She’s the kind of woman that makes it hard for good, hard-working woman cops like Joan Meredith to get ahead.”

Edith turned back to her silent guest. “Ken, please. Tell us what’s wrong.”

Hutch swallowed the lump in his throat. He suddenly felt like his whole life had been a farce. “In a way, it is about Kira. Starsky thinks he’s in love with her. He doesn’t know what she’s like. That’s one of the reasons I came here this evening. I need you to find a way to tell Starsky the truth about Kira. He’ll at least need someone to turn to when he figures out she’s not what he thought she was.”

“He probably knows, Hutch. But love is blind. He may choose to ignore her past if he wants a future with her. That is really their business, not mine. He knows he can come to me and I’ll keep an eye on him, of course. Why can’t you talk it out with him?”

The time had come for Hutch to face the decision he had made the long sleepless night before. He straightened his shoulders and looked up at the concerned faces of his friends. “I’m in love with him, Captain. I think I have been for a long time. He doesn’t feel the same of course. I need to leave. I need to find out who I really am. These feelings are confusing and painful as hell, but they are all mine. I’ve made arrangements to sublet my place to Huggy. He’ll be handling any thing that comes up financially. Tomorrow morning, after I stop at the bank, I’m taking off.”

Harold moved forward in his chair, squeezing Edith’s hand to draw comfort and strength from her. “Somehow, I’m not surprised. I guess I saw something like this coming, but hoped you and Starsky could weather the storm. You’re not choosing an easy path, son. Where will you go? How will I reach you?”

“I’ll be checking in with Huggy on the first of the month until I settle somewhere. But he won’t know where I am. I don’t want Starsky running after me. I know he would try to talk me out of it. This is gonna hurt him, Captain. I want him to move on with his life and maybe forgive me in time.”

Harold grunted his disapproval and got out of his chair. Edith watched her husband and the young man she loved like one of her own. A handkerchief appeared in her grasp as she dotted the tears from her eyes. Hutch stood anxiously as his boss came to him, wondering if he was about to be thrown out of their lovely home and their lives forever. 

Harold embraced a surprised Hutch. “Son, I won’t take your resignation tonight. I’ll put you on hardship leave and keep your badge and gun for you in case you want to return. Call me if you’re ever in trouble, please. You are always welcome in my home as my friend, no matter what you decide to do, remember that.” Harold let Hutch go and he barely heard the younger man’s heartfelt thanks. He glanced at his wife, hoping she could take over the emotional conversation and move them on to dinner

Edith took Hutch’s arm and led him to the dining room. “Ken, at least think about giving Harold or Huggy a number where you can be reached in an emergency. What if, God forbid, Dave is hurt on the job?”

Hutch cleared his throat and wiped at his eyes. “He doesn’t really need me anymore, Edith. Feel free to tell him what I told you. He won’t want me to come back when he realizes what I am. What I’ve been hiding from him. I know him. He’ll feel betrayed, sullied. Maybe Kira is the one for him. He has so much love to give it may change her. She’d be a fool not to try to make it work with him.”

And as I go through my life  
I will wish for her his wife  
All the sweet things she can find  
All the sweet things they can find


	2. It Don't Matter To Me

Chapter Two Songs

It Don’t Matter To Me  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl7U2jy1wMQ

Part Time Love  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWhLzX2iuh4

Everything I Own  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOrIj9N1Ad4

~~~***~~~

Chapter Two

It don't matter to me  
If you really feel that  
You need sometime to be free  
Time to go out searching for yourself  
Hoping to find time to go to find

Starsky slammed the door to Captain Dobey’s office behind him and ignored the bellowed, “Starsky, get back here!” that came from the inner sanctum.

“Fuckin’ idiot. How could Hutch do this to me? I walk in on a Monday mornin’ with his favorite pastries in hand and find out he’s left town for good?” He threw the white bakery bag at the trash can and knocked it over with a loud bang. He looked around at the silent stares of his fellow detectives. “What are you goons lookin’ at?” Then he stormed out the squadroom door heading for the stairs down to the garage, mumbling under his breath as he descended, his fists clenched in fury.

“Leavin’ me ‘cause he loves me? ‘Cause he loves me that way? Wha’ he thinks I’m a neanderthal? Gonna throw away years of brotherly love and friendship ‘cause his dick decided it was time for a change of scenery? He thinks I’m that shallow?”

Starsky halted so suddenly he almost tripped down the rest of stairs. “He loves me. All this time, he’s wanted me. It must have been murder seeing me with a woman. He was always there for me when things went sideways. Always lovin’ me like only he could. God, Hutch. How much you gave and how much it musta hurt.”

Starsky sat on a metal step and cradled his aching head In his hands. He tried to imagine kissing Hutch. Looking into those baby blue eyes he would die for. Holding his lean, naked body close. Kneeling before him and…”

“Shit! I can’t even think about it. Hutch - you bastard. What have you done to us? Selfish prick. You know what, Hutch? You go off and find yourself. Go off and fuck yourself! You hear me, Hutch?” His voice reverberated in the empty stairwell.

It don't matter to me  
If you take up with someone who's better than me  
'Cause your happiness is all I want  
For you to find peace your piece of mind

Starsky let the rage and sorrow run through him like a roller coaster car that had jumped the tracks. His mind raced with scenarios of finding Hutch and beating the crap out of him. He pictured him bruised and bleeding on some barroom floor, wiping his mouth and looking up at him with those pain-filled eyes. Then the scene changed. Starsky helped Hutch up and they embraced, each sorry and each forgiven. Arms around each other’s shoulders, they leave together as always. Buddies till the end.

Lotta people have an ego hang-up  
'Cause they want to be the only one  
How many came before it really doesn't matter  
Just as long as you're the last  
Everybody's moving on and try to find out  
What's been missing in the past

“Aw, Blintz. You’re really gone. I guess you were right to go. I could never see you the same way again. And my happiness with Kira would slowly put out what was left of your flame. God knows I’ve watched it fadin’ for long enough. I never realized I was the one stokin’ your fire. I never meant to snuff you out.”

And it don't matter to me  
If your searching brings you back together with me  
'Cause there'll always be  
An empty room waiting for you  
An open heart waiting for you  
Time is on my side  
'Cause it don't matter to me

“It’s okay, Hutch. I get it. The old partnership has been over for a while now, hasn’t it. It don’t matter any more. We had a good run, but you changed. You needed more than I could give you and you got burned out trying to deny yourself. It don’t matter, Blondie, as long as you find what you need, I’ll be happy for you. But, God, Hutch. I miss you already.”

It don't matter to me  
It don't matter to me  
It don't matter to me  
It don't matter to me

Starsky stood and walked slowly to his car. Dobey had told him Hutch was leaving today and didn’t want Starsky to try and find him. As he got in the Torino and keyed the ignition, he glanced at the empty space beside him. Hutch’s last coffee cup was crushed on the dash and a beat up paperback book was on the seat, he picked it up to read the title. Love. What Life Is All About, by Leo Buscaglia. Starsky shook his head slowly, then opened the glove box and threw the book inside, slapping the door shut with a snick. He patted the empty passenger seat. “Damn you, Hutch. Be safe.”

'Cause it don't matter to me.

~~~***~~~

I need somebody who's consistent with me  
Someone already there when I need company  
'Cause when l'm feelin' low  
I don't want to have to go out lookin'  
For a part-time kind of love

Starsky woke up in his own bed, but he wasn’t alone. He lifted one eyelid and groaned. He was so hungover that even the hair curling on his head hurt. He blinked his one blurry eye and tried to open the other but had no luck there either. He reached out for the warm body next to him. He tangled his fingers in fine, blonde hair. A back covered in Hutch’s striped collarless shirt came into focus. The shirt Starsky thought he had lost. He was glad Hutch had found it so he could borrow it again. He patted the familiar fabric fondly. At that thought both his eyes popped open. “Hutch?”

A soft feminine humming came from the other person in Starsky’s bed. Kira rolled over and smiled. “Morning, baby. How you feeling? I’ve never seen you that drunk before.”

Starsky rolled onto his back and covered his eyes with his arm. “Oh, God. I’m so sorry, Kira. I don’t remember last night.”

Kira snuggled closer and moved Starsky’s arm so it was under her neck. Starsky moaned at the movement but didn’t fight it. “I’m not surprised, Tequila shots are not your usual poison. But I know you weren’t yourself last night. Huggy never should have told you Hutch called to check in. Who cares if he’s still alive? I wish that degenerate would stay out of our lives.”

“Kira, sweetheart. I know you’re just lookin’ out for me, but don’t badmouth Hutch. No matter how we ended, he was a good friend and a good man.”

“Man. That’s a laugh. I should have known he was a filthy fag, when he showed no interest in me. All those good looks wasted.”

“What do you mean? You came on to Hutch?”

Kira twirled her hair as she backpedaled. “Of course not, sweetie. I just mean he never even looked at me like you do. A lady knows these things. I knew which partner was the real man.”

“Look. I’m sorry I overreacted last night. Even after two months it still hurts, you know? I miss him a lot. He means the world to me. I never had a best friend before him. I wish he wouldn’t have bolted. We coulda worked somethin’ out.”

Kira cuddled closer and half covered Starsky’s body with her own. She planted soft kisses on his cheek. “How, Dave? Hutch wouldn’t last a week as a gay cop. Some of my friends in vice would probably give him what he wanted in a dark alley and then bash his head in. And you could forget about ever getting backup in the field. What kind of friend would put you in danger like that?” She changed her tone from hardass cop to pussycat in a blink of her mascara-coated eyelashes. ”I can be your best friend now as well as your lover. A man like you needs a woman who can fulfill all his wants. You don’t need a pansy-assed fairy partner taking up your time or your thoughts.”

Starsky sat up and pushed himself out of bed.

“Kira. I asked ya nice once already. Don’t talk shit about Hutch. If he ever comes back, he’s still got a place with me. He’s… my partner. Always will be.”

“Why don’t you admit you love that queer and go join him in fairyland?”

“Kira! I can’t do this now. I got a killer headache. You know I love you, sweetheart. We all got things from our pasts that pop up and bite us on the ass.”

“What do you mean, Dave? You think I’m cheating on you?”

“Wha’? For cryin’ out loud, Kira. I never said nothin’ like that. I was just sayin’ about Hutch…”

Kira jumped out of bed and almost tore Hutch’s shirt from her body. She threw it at Starsky in a flutter of angry movements. “Fuck Hutch! I’m tired of his presence in our lives, our bed. You know, he-man, you sounded like a faggot last night when I sucked you off and you screamed his name when you came. Drunk doesn’t excuse it, Dave.”

She grabbed her clothes and headed to the bathroom pushing Starsky as she passed. “I’ll going home.”

He stood in the middle of the room, naked and in shock. “I screamed Hutch’s name?”

And when the dreams and rainbows start to disappear  
Don't want somebody up and runnin' outa here  
'Cause when you stop and start  
Baby it's just too hard upon my heart  
That part-time kind of love

Starsky slipped on jeans and a tee. When Kira came out of the bathroom. He stopped her and gently nuzzled her neck. “I’m so very sorry, sweetheart. Don’t go yet. Let me make you breakfast. Then tonight I’ll take you out someplace real classy.”

“Can your flashy Torino find its way to someplace other than Huggy’s?”

“Sure, baby. Anywhere you want. You tell me and I’ll make reservations. I love you, Kira. I want you around all the time. I miss you when you’re gone.” He kissed her pouty lips, the cherry taste of her cheap, drugstore Chapstick making Starsky feel like a real man.

“Well, I guess I can start to forgive you. But you need to really suck up to me, buddy boy.”

The words, ‘buddy boy’ made Starsky think of Hutch. Again. He was going to lose Kira if he didn’t stop hurting over his lost partner. There would always be a place for Hutch in his heart, but it was time to shut off the light and lock the door behind him.

And I can take you darlin' livin' here wait and see  
I want somebody who's committed now to me  
Somewhere, someday you'll have to take a chance  
So if you like the music baby  
get up and dance

“Maybe you’re right, Kira. I need to put the past behind me and concentrate on the future. You know, I’ve been wanting to ask you if you’ll move in with me. Or if you prefer, we’ll do it the old fashioned way and I’ll get you a ring, baby.”

Kira pushed Starsky away slightly and glanced over his face. “You’re serious.”

“Sure I am. I ain’t no swingin’ bachelor anymore. I want a committed kind of love. None of this part time, open relationship shit. Where is the love in that? Don’t you want that too, sweetheart?”

Kira hugged him close hiding her face in his curls. Her voice said, “Of course I do, Dave.” She bit her lip as fear flashed across her face.

And if we grow together daring to dream  
I know we'll find our shares of peaches and cream  
And when the juices flow  
I don't want no no no excuses  
Just want your full time love for me  
Just want your full time love for me.

~~~***~~~

Starsky crawled up on the barstool at Huggy’s, making the proprietor chuckle. “My, my, my. Look what woke up and dragged his ass back to the scene of the crime. What can I get for you, Detective Doghouse? Hair of it, or black coffee?”

Starsky, elbow on the bartop, leaned his head on his hand. “How about a house draft, Hugs. Don’t be makin’ too much noise puttin’ a head on it.”

Huggy smirked and pulled him a cold one. He put it down in front of Starsky and watched him take a tentative sip. “Your lady talkin’ to you today?”

“More like, screaming at me. But, yeah, she’s okay. I gotta take her out on the town tonight is all.”

“I’ll give you this, Curly. You sure can charm the foxes. After last night I thought you’d be a dead man come mornin’.”

Starsky took another sip of his beer and licked the foam off his lips slowly. “Huggy, you sure you don’t know where Hutch is?”

“Don’t start, my man. Don’t start. He just calls once a month to check on his mail and to tell me he’s still kickin’ it.”

Starsky looked down and ran his finger through the wet rings his draft left on the bar. “Does he mention me, Hugs. Does he think of his old partner at all?”

Huggy leaned against the bar and wiped his hand over his face. “He’s careful, bro. I can tell it’s always a pay phone outside near some sort of water. I heard a fog horn once and gulls callin’ in the background, ya know? He never says anything personal, not even a hint about what he’s doing now. But, yeah, he asks about you. Wants to know how you are coping, if you have a new partner. If you’re married yet. My blond brother loves you still, man. He’s still hurtin’ over losin’ you. I hear it in his voice.”

“Damnit, Hugs! He never lost me. He’s still my partner in here.” Starsky jabbed his heart hard with a finger. “Why couldn’t that have been enough for him, huh?”

Huggy stood back, picked up a bartowel and wiped away the wetness on the bartop. “Starsky, my man. I know you didn’t mean to, but you held his heart in your hand and slowly broke it into a million pieces. You broke a piece off with every smile you turned his way. Every touch, he couldn’t return the way he wanted to. Every kiss you gave to someone else. No one, not even our selfless white knight can live forever with a broken heart.”

Starsky finished his beer and stood to leave. “Huggy, I think I made the biggest mistake of my life that day in the park when Hutch read my diary. I never should have let him go.”

“What about your lady, Kira?”

“I… I… I don’t know what to think anymore. I love Kira… and I love Hutch. But Hutch is gone. I should let him go, right?”

“Babe. I ain’t no expert on love. Hutch read me from that book of his once.The one with the big red LOVE on the cover. ‘Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.’ I think Hutch might not have been your ego’s choice for a life partner. But you always knew he loved you best.”

Starsky threw a couple of dollar bills on the bar and gave Huggy a salute. “Thanks, Hugs. I gotta go get ready for tonight. You tell Hutch next time you hear from him. Tell him Starsky said to try and grab some happiness for himself and that he’ll always be my partner.”

You sheltered me from harm  
Kept me warm, kept me warm  
You gave my life to me  
Set me free, set me free  
The finest years I ever knew  
Were all the years I had with you

And I would give anything I own  
Give up my life, my heart, my home  
I would give everything I own  
Just to have you back again

Starsky, dressed in his best dark blue suit, tried to decide what tie to wear. He held a silk sapphire-colored one in his right hand and a sky blue one in his left. He realized suddenly that the silk one was a present from Hutch and the sky blue one actually was Hutch’s, borrowed who knows how long ago. He fingered the lighter one fondly remembering how Hutch used to flip his tie at him to make him smile. A wave of yearning passed through him, leaving him feeling weak. Memories flooded his mind. Hutch beside him in his car, blond hair blowing in the breeze. Hutch with his blue eyes sparkling and pleading with him to try some toxic blender concoction. Hutch hamming it up, dressed as Oliver Hardy. Hutch wrapped in his arms as his body fought its addiction to smack. Hutch’s face looking up at him, hurting and trusting when Starsky found him trapped under his car. 

You taught me how to love  
What it's of, what it's of  
You never said too much   
But still you showed the way  
And I knew from watching you  
Nobody else could ever know  
The part of me that can't let go

And I would give anything I own  
Give up my life, my heart, my home  
I would give everything I own  
Just to have you back again

Starsky threw both ties at his mirror. “Fuck you, Hutch! Why’d you have to make me care for you so much, huh? You blond bastard! Why’d you have to weedle yourself into my heart? Why’d you have to leave me? Why does it still hurt so fuckin’ much?”

Starsky took some deep breaths and grabbed the black tie he usually wore to funerals from his tie rack and struggled to put it on. He was ready way too early for the reservations he made, so he decided to pick up some red roses for his blue-eyed lady and head to Kira’s. He needed to stop thinking about Hutch. Maybe Kira would be fresh from her shower and they could have a cocktail and make out a little before she needed to get dressed for dinner. He grabbed his keys.

As he parked in front of Kira’s, he noticed a brown Thunderbird that looked familiar. He was pretty sure he had seen it at the parking garage at work. He shrugged, thinking that maybe one of Kira’s girlfriends had stopped by. Starsky was two hours early on a Sunday after all and Kira was pretty popular at the station.

The door was unlocked so he walked in calling her name sweetly, ready to present her with a dozen red roses and a box of expensive chocolates. What he saw somehow didn’t surprise him at all. Kira was back in Hutch’s striped collarless shirt and fresh from bed. Tom, Hutch’s friend from the Bomb Squad, was rearranging his shirt and pants with a sheepish look on his face. “Oh, hi, Starsky. I just dropped by to give Kira back the, ah, book my partner borrowed…”

“Shut up,Tom. I’m not an idiot. Get out before I kick ya where God split ya.”

Tom didn’t even look at Kira as he grabbed his jacket and ran. “Sorry, Starsky. One thing led to another you know? It didn’t mean anything.”

Starsky tossed the candy and flowers on a nearby chair. The smoldering anger behind his flashing blue eyes was a sight to see. “You got somethin’ to say to me, Kira?”

Kira placed herself behind the couch, head held high in defiance. “I’m not ready to settle down. I hate being under a man’s thumb. You smother me, Dave. You and your old fashioned views on life and love.” She held her delicate hand to Hutch’s shirt collar. “I’m sorry, Dave. I need you to give me some space. I’d still like to see you now and then…”

Starsky stopped to do something Hutch had taught him over the years. He examined his feelings before he lashed out at Kira and said or did something he would regret later. To his surprise he wasn’t devastated. His heart wasn’t breaking. He felt relieved. It occurred to him that he would really, really, miss Hutch’s shirt. He started to chuckle.

“What’s so funny, Dave?” Kira asked indignantly.

Starsky slowly walked towards Kira. She hesitated then moved to join him. Starsky gently touched the white piping on the throat of the borrowed shirt she wore. “Me and Hutch. We’ve lost more shirts this way.” He turned and walked out the door, loosening his tie and removing his suit jacket as he left. He pitched them in the back seat of the Torino and took off, heading instinctively to Venice Place.

Huggy wasn’t there, but the key was still above the lintel. Starsky let himself in. The changes in the apartment were not subtle. The fresh greenery of Hutch’s jungle was still the outstanding feature, but Huggy’s style was evident in the animal print couch, disco lights, nude ebony statuettes and a hanging wicker chair. Starsky wondered where Hutch’s stuff was being stored. There were a few things he’d like to have at his place to remind him of his buddy. He wandered around the greenhouse, touching the silky leaves of Hutch’s orphened friends. He stopped at a fern that looked like it was dying. He tested the soil for moisture with his finger like Hutch always did. He moved the fern away from the direct sunlight into a shady corner and gave it a good spray with Hutch’s mister.

“You miss him too, don’t you little guy. We’d give anything and everything to have him back again, wouldn’t we? Tell you what, I’ll take you home with me and take care of you. You gotta hang on, Fernie. What would Hutch say if he knew you were giving up? I know he still loves us even if he’s gone. I was the blind fool who took our beautiful blond blintz for granted. I’m not gonna lose you, too.” 

Starsky gathered up the drooping plant and headed home.

Is there someone you know  
You're loving them so  
But taking them all for granted  
You may lose them one day  
Someone takes them away  
And they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own  
Give up my life, my heart, my home  
I would give everything I own  
Just to have you back again  
Just to touch you once again


	3. The Guitar Man

Chapter Three Songs

The Guitar Man  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_8DgAneFQg

Aubrey  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ynm9Wrznz4I

Make it With You  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xou2PzPuRu0

If  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-22LPgdXhw

~~~***~~~

Chapter Three

Who draws the crowd and plays so loud, baby, it's the guitar man  
Who's gonna steal the show, you know, baby, it's the guitar man  
He can make you love, he can make you cry  
He will bring you down and he'll get you high  
Somethin' keeps him goin' miles and miles a day  
To find another place to play 

FM DeeJay, Jesse Jones sat in a dark corner of the Rainbow Music Box, sipping a long necked bottle of Budweiser. The San Francisco music scene was his world, and his radio show, The Underground Railroad, was a well-known secret in the popular gay bay area. Jesse could spot talent from his shadowy table with hawkeye precision, despite the wire-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. If Jesse spotlighted you on his after midnight show, the band and the bar they played at would become an overnight Frisco sensation. The short of stature, decidedly geeky but adorable man sported a mane of long brown curls cascading off his shoulders and a killer smile. He always drank alone except for his state of the art recording gear, tucked away in his leather backpack. His beers were on the house, since everyone under the Golden Gate Bridge and their gay cousin wanted to be his next discovery.

Tonight the Rainbow was packed. Word had gotten around that the musician going by the mysterious name of The Guitar Man was someone worth paying a cover charge to hear, with the added bonus of being drop dead gorgeous.

The lights dimmed even further than they were as the stage was highlighted with a single white spot light on a simple wooden stool. Jesse glanced around as the audience erupted in whistles, claps and catcalls. A tall, blond man dressed all in black carrying a beat up Martin acoustic guitar sauntered over and threw a leg over the stool. His long hair was pulled back into a ponytail with a black ribbon. Escaped cornsilk strands shimmered like a halo around his head as he adjusted the microphone and the jacks on his guitar. He never smiled or acknowledged the simpering audience in any way. Jesse let out a quiet, “Ohhh, baby,” when the man lifted his head. The Guitar Man wore a simple black silk mask surrounding his eyes. Those eyes, enhanced by a little theatrical kohl black eyeliner, flashed a sky blue that lit up the night.

Jesse was entranced and more than a little turned on. He didn’t usually sleep with musicians he promoted, but decided on the spot he’d make a exception in this case. He had permission from the club owner to record the acts, and he eagerly pressed the red button on his machine and waited for the magic to happen. He didn’t have to wait long.

The guitar man warmed up with an old Beatles tune, Here, There, and Everywhere. The lyrics subtly changed gender and the crowd swooned. Next came the classic Jim Croce song, Time In A Bottle. The beautiful blond never smiled except for a sad, wistful turning at the corner of his lips at some of the lyrics. He didn’t introduce his songs or talk about himself. It gave him a larger-than-life persona and Jesse admired his subtle theatrics He enjoyed the covers immensely, but he hoped for some original works. A moment later he got what he wanted and then some. A few soft notes from the guitar set off happy gasps and applause from his widely scattered fans. They quickly quieted and a pure angelic voice full of longing filled the room.

And David was his name  
A not so very ordinary man or name  
But who's to blame?  
For a love that wouldn't bloom  
For the hearts that never played in tune  
Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing  
Take away the words that rhyme, it doesn't mean a thing

And David was his name  
We tripped the light and danced together to the moon  
But where was June?  
No, it never came around  
If it did it never made a sound  
Maybe I was absent or was listening too fast  
Catching all the words but then the meaning going past

But God I miss the man  
And I'd go a thousand times around the world just to be  
Closer to him than to me

And David was his name  
I never knew him but I loved him just the same  
I loved his name  
Wish that I had found the way  
And the reasons that would make him stay  
I have learned to lead a life apart from all the rest  
If I can't have the one I want, I'll do without the best

But how I miss the man  
And I'd go a million times around the world just to say  
He had been mine for a day

Jesse downed his warm brew wishing it was still ice cold. The bittersweet tune spoke eloquently of regret. Jesse knew regret. He suddenly wished he could be this cherished David. He was on the edge of falling for this man of mystery and all his instincts were screaming for him to be careful, to guard his heart.

 

Night after night, who treats you right, baby, it's the guitar man  
Who's on the radio, you go and listen to the guitar man  
Then he comes to town and you see his face  
And you think you might like to take his place  
Somethin' keeps him driftin' miles and miles away  
Searching for the songs to play

Jesse shook himself out of the spell the blond was weaving. Despite his colorful patchwork vest, moccasin boots and love beads, he was a businessman. A promoter of talent. He wondered if Brian Epstein had fallen in love with John, Paul, George or Ringo as he listened to them in the Cavern on that fateful night in Liverpool. This, “Guitar Man,” could be his golden ticket to prime time, he could feel it in the air.

Then you listen to the music and you like to sing along  
You want to get the meaning out of each and every song  
Then you find yourself a message and some words to call your own and take 'em home 

Jesse was drawn back into the music. The Guitar Man was singing a story song about a diary that had more than one patron sniffling and asking for another round. Followed by a provocative Take Me Now, that had half the audience groaning, “please, please take me!” At one point, Jesse had caught the singer’s eye and held on tight, hoping to make a connection. Jesse flashed his smile and nodded in time with the music. He saw a flicker of some sort of recognition, that quickly turned to absolute resignation. Jesse watched in disappointment as The Guitar Man closed his eyes and broke contact.

Then the lights begin to flicker and the sound is getting dim  
The voice begins to falter and the crowds are getting thin  
But he never seems to notice, he's just got to find another place to play

The evocative set ended and Jessie hurried to find the owner so he could be introduced formally to The Guitar Man. He didn’t want the blond man’s first impression of him to be one of a drooling fanboy. The owner almost tripped over his own feet rushing backstage to grab the masked beauty and drag him back for a drink with destiny. But Hutch was nowhere to be found.

Fade away  
Got to play

Jesse Jones was a man with a mission. He sent his feelers all over the bay area searching for the mysterious G-man, as he decided to call him. He set up an informal hotline at WSFM where he worked for fans or club owners to play, “Spot The Guitar Man” and win an Underground Railroad tee-shirt signed by the one and only, Jesse Jones. He dedicated his Tuesday night show to him and played the tape he recorded at Rainbow Music Box.

The switchboard lit up after David was played. And although most calls were just requests to air the song again, one caller informed Jesse that he had just hired the man of the hour to play at his club this coming weekend. Jessie swore him to secrecy and promised him a tee, but made sure he would get his introduction to G-man before the musical phantom disappeared again.

~~~***~~~

Hutch woke late in the afternoon with a groan. He had dreamt of Starsky yet again, only this time he had changed into the long and curly-haired man he had glimpsed at his last gig. He threw an arm over his eyes to prolong the comforting darkness of sleep. The man had a certain spark. He reminded Hutch of Starsky and he wondered if the smaller man had blue eyes. He sat up and rubbed at his face. What did he care if the stranger smiled at him and looked like a shorter, hippie version of Starsky. Loneliness was his life now.

He went to the window of his tiny studio apartment. He couldn’t have a hot plate or even a phone in the dinky space, but he didn’t mind. He was two blocks from Golden State Park, and when the fog cleared, he could see a tiny fragment of the majestic bridge from his window. He refused to make his apartment homey, there wasn’t even one plant on his windowsill.

He spent his daylight hours at the park, sketching or painting weather permitting. If it rained, there were plenty of cozy coffee shops nearby where he could work on his music. At night he became The Guitar Man and sang his heart out about his lost love. It made him feel close to Starsky when he sang about him. Somehow it was as if he was in the audience listening and singing along. Hutch kept his pain alive because it was all he had left. Night club hours were murder on his sleep patterns, so he closed his eyes and tried to get a few more hours in.

~~~***~~~

Hutch sat in front of the partially lit mirror in the cramped dressing room at tonight’s gig. Most of the round lights framing the mirror were burned out. At least he didn’t have to share the space with five stoned, heavy-metal rockers like last week. Hutch tilted his head into what light was available as he applied the kohl eyeliner heavily to his lids. He put on his mask and grudgingly admired how the makeup trick made his blue eyes look alluring yet guarded. The mask had the added bonus of hiding the dark circles under those striking eyes caused by too many sleepless nights. A hesitant knock on the door had him curious. “Come in,” he called.

The door opened and the curly haired hippie bounced in. “Hi, G-man! I’m Jesse Jones of WSFM, Frisco’s underground radio station.” 

Hutch leaned back and continued buttoning his black silk shirt. He didn’t shake the offered hand. “Oh, yeah. I’ve heard about you. You’re the DJ who played my music without my permission. So pleased to finally meet you,” he said sarcastically.

“Hey! No! I had permission from the owner. Didn’t he tell you I was allowed to record in his place? As long as I don’t make money off of it. It’s cool, G-man.”

Hutch looked the man up and down and liked what he saw. “I guess I didn’t read the fine print when I picked up my under the table cash packet. No harm done, I guess. But please, don’t play me on the air. It spoils my image.”

Jesse crossed his arms and leaned a hip on the cheap shelf that served as a dressing table. “Your image, huh? Your image is awesome. But you need someone like me to promote that image.”

“Someone like you?”

“Yeah, G-man. I know the Frisco gay scene backwards and forwards. I mean you can’t go mainstream with a song like David, a man singing about a man just wouldn’t fly on AM radio. But on the underground? You would be gold in no time.”

“Y...you liked the song David?”

Jesse moved a bit closer and placed a hand on Hutch’s shoulder. “It moved me. I wanted to be like David, to be loved enough that someone would regret losing you. I have no idea how it feels to be so cherished.”

Hutch leaned ever so slightly into the hand that now gently caressed his arm. It seemed like forever since someone had touched him. He looked up slowly into blue sapphire eyes framed by silky spirals of curls. Jesse took a big chance and leaned in for a kiss. Hutch closed his eyes but didn’t pull away. His heart ached for Starsky’s lips, but he knew this man had what he needed right now. Jesse pulled back before he deepened the kiss and Hutch opened his eyes, puzzled. Jessie smiled. “I’m not usually so bold. I guess I feel I know you through your songs, but I should know better than to presume you might want to know me.”

Jesse backed away and made an exquisite little bow. “My dear masked man. Would you do me the honor of having dinner with me tomorrow night? We could meet somewhere pleasant and perhaps you will deign to reveal yourself to me?”

Hutch laughed for the first time in months. “Who could resist such gallantry? I accept. I’ll meet you at the entrance of Golden Gate Park at seven. We can watch the sunset before we dine.”

Jesse continued to saucily bow as he backed up to the door. “Your wish is my command, masked man.” He stopped in mid bow and winked. 

Hutch turned back to the mirror just in time to watch Jesse do a little victory dance. Hutch said to his own reflection, “This is your life now, Hutchinson. Deal with it.”

~~~***~~~

Hey, have you ever tried  
Really reaching out for the other side  
I may be climbing on rainbows  
But baby, here goes

Hutch paced nervously outside of the Golden Gate Visitor’s Center waiting for Jesse Jones. He adjusted the sleeves of his light tan suede jacket, hoping his casual denim shirt and jeans were appropriate for a date with a gay man. He had heard a lot of good things about Jesse from his new boss. At first he had intended to read Jesse the riot act for recording his act. But after hearing that melodic voice and glancing at those sincere blue eyes, he relented.

The easy way he assumed Hutch was gay from his music, shocked and intrigued him. The casual, carefree way Jesse kissed him had him wanting to experiment with his new lifestyle. His passing resemblance to Starsky had him pacing with anxiety. His chest tightened in familiar ache and his breathing became painful.He reached in his jacket pocket for his inhaler wheezing out the word, “Pathetic.”

Jesse popped out of a cab and Hutch watched him as he waved. The man had a lively step and a dazzling grin. His long hair had a life of its own as it bounced with every movement. He was slightly out of breath when he froze in front of Hutch, gazing in awe. “My God, G. Look at you unmasked! You are so beautiful!”Jesse impulsively took his hand, lifted it to his lips and kissed it. Hutch couldn’t help but laugh as Jesse dragged him off to walk towards the bridge. He never let go of his hand.

Dreams, they're for those who sleep.  
Life is for us to keep  
And if you're wondering what this song is leading to  
I want to make it with you  
I really think that we could make it, babe

“G-man. Look at us. Cavorting in the rays of the sunset over the bay. We are a romantic cliché in the making. It’s rare that I rise from my coffin before the dark cover of night.”

Hutch laughed again. “You seem like a hopeless romantic to me. Why else would you risk bursting into flame just to meet a complete stranger and an incognito one at that?”

“Ahhh. But see I already know your heart, G. I listened to your songs until they played in my head without prompting. I know a part of you. I want to get to know the rest of you.”

Hutch let go of his hand and walked over to a railing overlooking the misty water. Jesse followed and stood next to him, gazing at the glow low in the sky marking the beginning of the sunset. “Jesse, I’m not the man you imagine me to be. It’s not glamorous, what I’ve done. I ran away from a life I thought was forever. I’ve hurt a lot of people. I… I’ve never been an easy person to love. I think I may be unlovable.”

Jesse moved a little closer. “I doubt that, G-man. You can tell me as much or as little about your past as you want. I’m all for living in the present. You think you’re the first full grown runaway I’ve met? Being gay in our society is about as stressful a life as you can have. When you try to conform by denying who you are, it may work for a while but it is destined to fail. Closets usually explode not just open, leaving the debris of a false life behind. We’ve all hurt somebody, G. Just by being who we are. That’s why this community is so important. It’s a lush oasis in a cruel dessert.”

Hutch slowly wrapped an arm around the shorter man. “I’ve known some brave men in my time. Heroes even. But I’ve never met someone who embraced bravery as a day-to-day lifestyle, like you. I’m just a coward, hiding behind a mask.”

“Nononono, G-man. You got that wrong! Your song David, is the bravest declaration of unconventional love I have ever heard. Your mask speaks to the heart of the gay community saying how we all have a mask we wear. You are a living symbol of gay love. Your striking beauty, hidden behind the black clothes of sorrow. Your bright eyes shining through the mask that can’t really hide your soul. A perfect statement, G-man.”

“Jesse, I hate to disappoint, but I was just running. I didn’t want to be found. I still don’t. And the mask? Well, I… I have a little stage fright problem. The mask gives me just enough distance from the audience to get me kick-started.”

“Now see? It’s just like I was saying. You need someone like me to promote your image. I can make you, G-man.”

No, you don't know me well  
In every little thing only time will tell  
But you believe the things that I do  
And we'll see it through

The blazing colors of the sunset reflected off the Golden Gate bridge caught both men up in the awe inspiring view. Hutch as always was enthralled by the sunset’s evanescent beauty. So breathtakingly gorgeous one moment, then gone the next leaving only a graying memory in the evening sky. He remembered a sunset years ago in his house by the canal, when he tried to express the sunset’s glory to his grieving partner while he cooked him his favorite meal. They were happy to be together that night; the dinner was peaceful and domestic. But that sunset was long gone and a new one was right in front of him. He looked down at the golds and purples playing across Jesse’s delightful face. Those saffire eyes so like Starsky’s turned to him.

No, you don't know me well  
In every little thing only time will tell  
But you believe the things that I do  
And we'll see it through

“G-man. Have you ever… I mean your songs… did you and your David ever…”

“Jesse. That’s what I was running away from. ‘My David’ is getting married. He never knew how much I loved him, wanted him.”

Jesse whistled softly and took Hutch’s hand again. “Damn, G. But you have been with a man before, right?”

Hutch slowly shook his head, wondering where this was leading, and hoping it was where he wanted to go. Jesse squeezed his hand. “Let me guide you. Let me show you what your body was meant to feel. We’ll take it slow. Let me make it with you.”

Hutch raised one eyebrow. “It?”

“Sweet, glorious, love, babe.”

Hutch straightened and continued to walk on the darkening bayside path. He held Jesse’s hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. “Alright. But I want dinner first. I’m not that easy.”

Jesse bounced along barely keeping up with the big blond’s long strides.

Life can be short or long  
Love can be right or wrong  
And if I chose the one I'd like to help me through  
I'd like to make it with you  
I really think that we could make it, babe

~~~***~~~

Hutch gently stroked the hair of his bedfellow and held the sleeping man close trying to give Jesse what comfort he could after their disastrous try at love making. Jesse had been so considerate and funny as he acted the part of the experienced mentor with sensuous authority. Hutch was nervous and clumsy. When he got turned on he started to wheeze. Jesse was wonderful, teasing and openly wanton. Hutch was amazed at the erotic pleasure one man could give another and before long Jesse had him out of his mind with need. Jesse’s mouth should have been declared a lethal weapon. He pulled an orgasm out of Hutch that seemed to come from a place deep within him that had never been touched before. Hutch had ruined it all by screaming Starsky’s name.

He apologized profusely and kissed his lover’s glistening tears away before they could fall. But there was no repairing the damage. Jesse composed himself, smiled and told Hutch he was fine, but the sparkle of desire had left his eyes and Hutch knew he was deeply disappointed.

Hutch looked around Jesse’s apartment, taking in the man’s personality around him. They were in the top floor of a turn-of-the-century townhouse high on a San Francisco hill. The place was spacious, with large windows complete with Victorian window seats with a view of cable cars and the foggy bay on the horizon. Jesse’s bed was tucked into an eave and separated from the rest of the room by an archway. A beaded curtain added a little privacy. The rest of the apartment looked like a recording studio having a tag sale. Speakers, amplifiers and all sorts of stereo equipment littered the space. At least two hundred records and a dozen eight track and cassette tape holders were stacked against one wall, electric and acoustic guitars leaned provocatively against a saggy, orange plaid couch.

Hutch’s wandering attention was brought back to the gentle man in his arms as he stirred and clung tightly to Hutch before opening his eyes. He looked vulnerable and childlike in the glow of false dawn. Hutch hated to be the one to cause him pain. Hutch kissed his forehead. “Hey, there. It’s early. Go back to sleep. I got you, babe.”

Jesse leaned back so he could see Hutch’s long, golden, naked body in the soft light. He traced the puckered bullet wound on his shoulder. “So many scars on this beautiful body. These scars go so deep, don’t they G…”

Hutch interrupted him. “Ken. My name is Ken Hutchinson. Hutch to my friends.” Jesse’s smile lit up the room. “Am I your friend, Hutch?” 

Hutch kissed him and played with his curls. “Yeah, you’re my buddy. I’m sorry I can’t give you more right now.”

“Don’t sweat it, Hutch. I think I’d rather be your promoter with side benefits if you’ll have me. Can you tell me why you’re on the run? You have scars all over your body. You look like you’ve been through a war’s worth of battles. You in some sort of trouble, man? I know people, Legal Aid, veterans groups and such. Maybe I could help.”

Hutch leaned back and Jesse moved closer. He kissed his shoulder scar and waited. “Thank you for caring so much, Jesse. I’m not in legal trouble, just heart trouble. I did run away from my old life, but I didn’t burn many bridges. Just one.” He pulled Jesse even closer. “You’re a giving person… and lover.” Hutch took a deep breath. ”I grew up in Duluth. I’m a cop. A detective with the Bay City PD. I’m good at what I do but not that good. I was shot recently in that shoulder. David Starsky was my partner. We were the best crime-fighting team in the city, until I fell in love with my best friend.”

Jesse nodded slowly. “Volkovich.”

Hutch lifted his head. “What?”

“Melvin Jesse Volkovich. Never really had a hometown. Never knew my father, so I dropped his name for Jones. Rolls easier over the airwaves don’t you think? I was a whizz kid, went to college at sixteen. I actually have a BA in Liberal Arts. I could never settle on a major. I could never settle for anything. Our past is our past, Hutch. Everyone has one. It’s what we do with our present that’s important.”

Hutch traced his thumb over Jesse’s cheek. “You are so beautiful, Jesse. But I love Starsky and I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to move on in my heart.”

Jesse buried his head in Hutch’s broad chest. “It’s okay. I get it. I’ve been there. Even true love doesn’t always keep people together. I gotta admit I have a giant crush on you, Hutch, but I can deal with it. I promise. Let me help you. You don’t have to be friendless in this big old town. Do you really have to hide your identity?”

“For now. I don’t want Starsky to find me. It would kill me to see how happy he is with his girl.”

“Okay. We’ll keep up your dark masked man persona. I swear I’ll guard your real identity with my life. But let me give you airtime and get you in a studio to record. You need to get your music out there in the community, Hutch. A lot of hurting people need to know someone shares their pain. Your music is like a soothing balm that helps them heal. Don’t keep it to yourself.”

Hutch swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay, Jesse. My new career is in your hands. Just keep it underground.”

Jesse bounced happily out of bed. “Oh, G-man. Have I got plans for you!”

Hutch smiled at his new friend but the smile never reached his eyes. 

Jesse left Hutch after a congenial al fresco breakfast at Jesse’s favorite eatery. Hutch enjoyed the coffee-flavored goodbye kiss Jesse casually planted on him in the sunshiny light of day before running off to his studio. Hutch looked around the crowded sidewalk café and found that no one had paid any attention to the public display of affection between the two men. Hutch felt like he was in a parallel universe in one of Starsky’s hokey science fiction novels.

He closed his eyes a moment and pictured Starsky saying hello with a kiss on a bright Bay City sidewalk before sitting down and pouring love and attention all over Hutch while sipping some exotic brew. He sighed deeply, waved to the waiter for the check and paid it. He walked home to gather his plein air easel and art supplies. He’d spend the sunny day in the park painting.

If a picture paints a thousand words  
Then why can't I paint you?  
The words will never show  
The you I've come to know

Hutch set up his easel in front of his favorite bench. He usually stuck to colorful interpretations of the water and bridge before him. He gave his paintings to passing tourists asking only for a donation to pay for more art supplies. More often than not, he rejected offered bills, settling happily for a bit of conversation with a kindred spirit in lieu of payment.

But today he was working on a portrait of a face more dear to him than his own life. He found Starsky’s smile eluded him and he worked endlessly on that mouth he yearned to kiss. Memories of inane speeches flooded his mind and he watch the flow of emotions on that precious face in his mind’s eye. But no matter how he worked his charcoal, he couldn’t capture it.

If a face could launch a thousand ships  
Then where am I to go?  
There's no one home but you  
You're all that's left me too  
And when my love for life is running dry  
You come and pour yourself on me

He leaned back and stretched out his legs as he stare at the image of Starsky’s eyes shaded in pencil gray. He was overwhelmed with aching want and desperation. He tried to picture Jesse’s expression as he looked up at him while cradled in his arms last night. But the image turned into Starsky, naked in his arms. Starsky had been there for him so many times. Saved his miserable life and gave him something to live for. Hutch covered his eyes as they filled. He clenched his teeth and tried to will away the tears. He had to get over Starsky. But he knew he never would.

If a man could be two places at one time  
I'd be with you  
Tomorrow and today  
Beside you all the way

Hutch allowed himself a little fantasy of going home. Edith and Harold would welcome him like a prodigal son. Huggy would start a brand new tab for him. And Starsky would open his arms and smile that crooked smile he could never capture in paint and… introduce him to his bride, Kira.

If the world should stop revolving  
Spinning slowly down to die  
I'd spend the end with you  
And when the world was through  
Then one by one the stars would all go out  
Then you and I would simply fly away

Hutch opened his eyes and stared into the illusion of Starsky’s eyes on his canvas. He could never return. Having Starsky as a lover was a dream he would never realize. He carefully put the portrait in his portfolio and took out a new canvas. He still had the comfort of imagining meeting Starsky in the afterlife. If he could not be together with him in this life, he would wait for him in eternity. He put on his sunglasses and dipped his brush in midnight blue. He began to paint a dark world beneath the dazzling sun.

~~~***~~~

Jesse’s smooth-as-chocolate-sauce voice overflowed with excitement as he sent his popular Tuesday night show out over the airwaves a few weeks later. ‘Tuesday night with the Guitar Man’ was the highest rated FM radio show in the bay area. The lines lit up like a drag show venue when Jesse aired the demo tape he had cajolled Hutch into making for him. The fans were clamoring for an album and Jesse was busy arranging for time at a discrete studio for his masked friend.

Hutch’s honesty about his feelings for Starsky only increased Jesse’s admiration for the reserved man. He was okay with being buddies who occasionally shared a bed when loneliness came to call, even if he secretly hoped that time would heal ‘The Guitar Man’ enough to make the elusive, beautiful Hutch his someday. In the meantime, he had to admit that his poor buddy’s unrequited love songs were great for business. Jesse had already fielded a few offers from local club owners willing to give Hutch star billing with cool cash to match. He turned them down, waiting for a better offer. Something that would showcase Hutch’s talent without destroying his integrity or taking away from his mystery. 

Jesse wasn’t that surprised when a muscular he-man in a dark, ill-fitting suit sauntered into the studio after the show. Jesse often did business in the wee small hours, but he did wonder why Johnny, the night watchman, hadn't rung him up to tell him he had a visitor.

Jesse had been listening to the latest from ‘The Guitar Man’ for his own pleasure. He took off his earphones. “Jesse Jones?” The stranger asked. When the stranger closed the studio door behind him, Jesse suddenly felt his mouth go dry. He reached for the glass of water balanced on the edge of his turntable and took a long drink before he answered as calmly as he could. “In the flesh. What can I do for you, my good man?”

The he-man grabbed Jesse by his embroidered tunic sending his water glass crashing to the floor. “Listen you, faggot. I’m looking for a cop named Hutchinson. My boss is gonna be pretty pissed I ain’t found him, I don’t want my boss to be pissed at me. Get it? You know him?”

Jesse tried to hide his terror. He was no stranger to being roughed up by hostile homophobes. “Sorry, man. I don’t have cops for friends, bad for business, you know what I mean? Never heard of him. What was that name again? Maybe he’s a fan. I have a lot of those, but I don’t know them by name. I can check the call logs.” As if on cue the phone rang. Jesse tried to stall the inevitable. “I should get that.”

He-man ignored him and shoved a picture of two men exiting a police station under Jesse’s nose. The dark-haired one had an arm around the shoulders of the blond who was putting on sunglasses. The blond had a shy smile on his face. Jesse immediately recognised it as a picture of Hutch and the other man, who could have passed for his own brother, must have been Starsky. They looked so happy. “Well, I don’t recognize these guys, but I wouldn’t push either one out of bed. Which one of these babes are you looking for?” Jesse winked at his attacker.

The he-man growled, “Worthless, fuckin’ fag,” and tossed Jesse against the glass wall of the sound proof room. The glass shattered and Jesse hit the studio’s hardwood floor with bone-crushing force. One last thought filled his mind before he surrendered to the beckoning arms of darkness.

_I’d never betray you, Hutch._


	4. Lost Without Your Love

Chapter Four Songs

 

Lost Without Your Love  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSBHmfOgSP0

Find Me  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuFwd52RZJs

Don’t Shut Me Out  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0LlgWaesTY

Take Comfort  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kk34HNtXlw

Sweet Surrender  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJBmO-xKwz0

~~~***~~~

Chapter Four

Lost and all alone  
I always thought that I could make it on my own  
But since you left I hardly make it through the day  
My tears get in the way  
And I need you back to stay

Lost. Starsky felt lost these days. Right after he broke up with Kira, he had started to search for Hutch. He wanted so badly to just talk to him once more. Tell him Kira was history and beg him to come back. He went as far as tracing Hutch’s latest clunker of a car to a used car lot in Modesta, just outside of Frisco. Starsky spoke to a friendly salesperson named Dawn who said he remembered a good-looking blond who called himself Paul Muni. Starsky knew it was a message from Hutch to cease and desist. He did only out of respect for Hutch’s wishes, but he had the feeling Hutch may have stayed in San Francisco for a while. He knew Hutch was alright financially. He had confided that much to Huggy. But he was worried sick about his mental and physical health. He wasn’t feeling too healthy, himself.

Captain Dobey gave Starsky a week to get his head together, but called him back after three days. Babcock and Simmons stumbled onto a drug bust that had been connected to the Kingpin of all Kingpins, Gunther. 

The FBI wanted to take over and called to inform Dobey that his department was no longer on the Gunther case. Despite the outraged objections of his detectives, Dobey was forced to hand the slimy small potato, Moss, over to the FBI for questioning. But it was already too late. It seemed that Gunther didn’t like inept employees and took out a contract not only his own man, but the cops who had been a pain in his ass for years as well. 

The hit went down when Simmons and Babcock were transporting Moss to an FBI van in the garage at Metro. The hitmen, dressed as police officers, took out Moss and Simmons. But the hit was unprofessional and messy and Babcock and Simmons had managed to survive. Simmons was barely holding on to life after taking two bullets to his chest and flatlining on his way to the OR.

Dobey asked Starsky if he would partner with Babcock to keep an eye on the distraught man. Until Simmons had stabilized, Babcock had been inconsolable at the hospital. The concerned Captain wanted Starsky to stick to him like glue. Dobey hinted that if Simmons took another bad turn, Babcock might take it into his head to join his partner. Starsky immediately forgot his own problems and took on the role of temporary partner and full- time friend. 

Starsky knew exactly how much Babcock was hurting over his partner and didn’t try to take his place. They drank endless cups of coffee and reminisced about their missing friends as Babcock spent all of his free time at Simmon’s side.

Babcock and Simmons were both divorced and Babcock had a son that he adored but seldom got to see. He confided to Starsky that if not for Simmons he probably would have eaten his gun when his ex-wife remarried and took his boy to New York. Starsky confided the reason for Hutch’s sudden departure and Babcock never batted an eye, just offered his support and a hand on his trembling shoulder.

I wander through the night  
And search the world to find the words to make it right  
All I want is just the way it used to be  
With you here close to me  
I've got to make you see

Starsky let Babcock off at the hospital after making sure he ate a good dinner. Babcock was watching out for Starsky too, much like Hutch used to. 

The nights were the worst. Starsky went over and over his life with Hutch. Knowing now that he loved him more than life itself. Hutch was his world and he had hurt him with his ignorance. ‘If only’ was his mantra. If only he had figured out Hutch loved him. If only he had been more accepting of alternative lifestyles. If only he had the courage to examined his own feelings for Hutch. If only he had made Hutch feel safe enough to talk to him. If only he had never let him go. If only Hutch would come back.

That I'm lost without your love  
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of  
And I'm as helpless as a ship without a wheel  
A touch without a feel  
I can't believe it's real  
But someday soon I'll wake  
And find my heart won't have to break

Captain Dobey called Starsky into his office first thing Monday morning. “Close the door, son.” Starsky did as requested and sat opposite his boss. He blew on his coffee to cool it and tried to ignore the feeling that a big blond should be sitting close by and that his coffee cup should be cool and half-empty. 

“Is Babcock out there?” Dobey asked. Starsky nodded. “Good. How’s he doing?”

Starsky was comfortable with his Captain’s blunt supervising style. He sat up and cleared his throat, “He’s good, Cap. I mean if Simmons wasn’t on the mend, I think it might be a different story. But Simmons is awake now and more worried about Babcock than himself.”

“Just like all good partners.” Dobey pointed out. “And how are you holding up. Don’t bullshit me now.”

Starsky shrugged and leaned forward cradling his coffee cup in his hands. “Not so good. It’s lots of little things. Like Hutch stealing my coffee or givin’ me a healthy eatin’ lecture then treating me to a hot dog with the works when I’m too tired to eat. Like how I know if Hutch was here we woulda broke that Gunther case wide open and the FBI would only hafta come ‘round to clean up the garbage. I miss him bad, Cap. I miss my partner. I miss my friend, my pal.”

Dobey clasped his hands on his desk and leaned forward. “What about his feelings for you? This is really none of my business, son. But what if we brought him back? Could you handle it?”

“Captain, if Hutch came back I’d give him anything and everything he wanted. I know who I love and how I want to be loved now. I don’t care that he’s a man. I love him. I’d ask him to marry me if It were legal.”

“As your friend. I’m relieved to hear that. Edith and I think of you both as our sons and we only want you two to be happy. As your Captain, I didn’t hear you say anything except you were willing to partner with Hutch again. I’m sorry it has to be that way, but I had to know before I sent out an APB on Hutch.”

“An APB? You gonna arrest Hutch? What’s going down, Cap?”

“Of course I’m not going have him arrested! I’ll issue a special APB for a missing officer that needs to contact us. No force to be used. You see, Starsky, I got a call this morning. The FBI has a man undercover in the Gunther organization. Fortunately, he’s used to be under my command as a rookie. We became good friends and stayed in touch when he was recruited for the Feds. You and Hutch aren’t my only ‘sons by heart’ as Edith calls them. He informed me that Gunther took that contract out on you and Hutch. It’s not widely known that Hutch is gone. I didn’t allow him to resign. I put him on temporary hardship leave. Anyone checking his file would assume he’s simply visiting his parents in Minnesota and should be back any time. Of course, that file is private and no one should have access to it, still…”

Starsky frowned, trying to understand. “You were protecting him from prying eyes. And giving him a way back. Has Gunther discovered his mistake?”

“My informant doesn’t think so. Gunther thinks you and Hutch were the detectives transporting Moss.”

“Jeez, Cap! Right now, Simmons and Babcock are still on Gunther’s hit list! We gotta protect them!”

“You think I don’t know that? Simmons has had a guard on his room since day one. That’s why I assigned you as Babcock’s temporary partner. I knew you’d have Babcock’s back no matter what went down. I was only going on a gut feeling then, but now I have the facts.”

Starsky stood and began to pace. “Any minute now Gunther will find out his goons didn’t take out Starsky and Hutch. I can see why they would want to keep him in the dark. When Gunther is unhappy with his people, his people die.”

“Exactly. Now that we know, I can better protect all of you. I’m pulling you and Babcock off the streets. I’m going to assign another officer to back-up Babcock. I’ll have him stay with Simmons as much as possible. He’ll want that anyway.”

Starsky nodded approval. “Once he knows Simmons might be in real danger, he’ll never leave his side. What about Hutch, Sir?”

“You and I are going to find Hutch and bring him in for his own safety, even if we have to cuff him and bring him in screaming police brutality. My friend says they have Gunther by the balls. He is coming down hard and soon. It’s only a matter of time. Go get Babcock and send him in. I’ll put out that APB on Hutch.”

“Captain, Hutch could be anywhere, but Huggy said when Hutch called Huggy heard fog horns and seagulls in the background. I found out he ditched his car in Modesta. So he was probably heading for San Francisco. For a country boy, Hutch sure loved that city. He was buggin’ me to take a spring break so we could go there for a long weekend but I didn’t want… “

Dobey raised his eyebrows as Starsky froze in mid-sentence. “He wanted to tell me. Hutch wanted to tell me he was in love with me. A romantic weekend in Frisco would have been perfect. God, Captain. I was such a dumbass. Lost and searching everywhere for what was right in front of me.”

Dobey shook his head and picked up the phone. “Don’t worry son, we’ll find him. I’ll get on that APB then I’ll put in a call to my buddy Mike Stone at SFPD. You ring Huggy while I talk to Babcock. I want to put a tap on Huggy’s phone in case Hutch calls again.”

Starsky nodded feeling more focused now that they had a plan. “Huggy’s gonna love that.” Starsky opened the Captain’s door and heard the big man call behind him, “Don’t go off half-cocked, Starsky. Consider us stuck like Elmer’s till this is over.” 

Starsky let a little smile flicker across his face. They were going to find Hutch and bring him home where he belongs.

Yes, I'm lost without your love  
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of  
All I want is just the way it used to be  
I need you here with me  
Oh darling, can't you see  
If we had love before  
We can have it back once more

~~~***~~~

Starsky was stretched out on his uncomfortable couch trying to watch an old Bogart movie where he and his brother, George Raft, were truckers. It reminded him of when he and Hutch posed as truck drivers for a case. He listened to his Captain snoring in his comfy bed. Dobey had decided to stay with Starsky and offer his personal protection even though a uniformed team in a cruiser was watching the building. He appreciated the big guy’s concern and his way around a kitchen. He had made Starsky some delicious and homey mac and cheese from scratch, not a blue box. 

He couldn't help but wish it was Hutch in his bedroom. Hutch in his bed after they had made love. He imagined what that might be like. This time he felt only longing. He knew that both Hutch and himself were virgins in that way. It would be wonderful to explore a new level of closeness. Starsky chuckled softly as his jeans grew tight at the thought. He had come a long way in his journey of self-discovery, as his partner would say. Hutch would be surprised and proud. But then a frightening notion entered his head. What if Hutch had found someone else? What if Hutch had explored his new feelings with another man?

The phone rang and woke him from his troubling thoughts. He jumped up and trotted to the kitchen to answered it quickly so Dobey wouldn't be disturbed. He glanced at his watch. It was half past one.

//Starsky//

//Starsky! You got a good FM radio at your pad?//

//Hey, Hug. I’m surprised you are still speakin’ to me after our last conversation. You were pretty pissed.//

//Yeah, well. I still am. A phone tap at my fine establishment. I want some of what your Captain’s been stealin’ and smokin’ from the evidence lockup.//

//Huggy, I’m sorry about that, bro. But Hutch needs to know there might be a hit out on him. And I need him back. What was this about a radio?//

//Oh, shit, man. You distracted me. Do you get WSFM out of Frisco? It’s 99.6 on the dial.//

//Maybe. I get Frisco channels late at night sometimes if the weather is clear.//

//You gotta hear this show, The Underground Railroad. I was talking to my special friend, Marion from SFCity and he was telling me about this club singer he went to see. The dude was a tall, blue-eyed blond who wore a mask. My friend said he sang a torch song about a man named David that brought down the house. Made him want to hook up with me again. He turned me on to this show on Tuesday night where you can hear ‘The Guitar Man’ do his thing.//

Starsky tucked the receiver under his chin and fiddled with the FM radio on his stereo. It took him a minute to zero in perfectly on the channel. A silky voiced DJ was introducing a new song from ‘The Guitar Man.’

The skies are not as blue when you're not with me  
The stars, they never seem to shine as bright  
And the hours drag like days across the ages  
And a year or two pass by with every night  
It makes me know if I should ever leave this world before you do  
When you follow you must promise,  
cross your heart and promise to

Find me...look hard,  
and don't stop, I'll be waiting 'till then  
Don't sleep, and don't eat  
'till I'm back, back in your arms again

Starsky dropped the phone to the floor. He placed his hands on the speaker wishing he could reach through and touch the angel singing with that glorious voice he would know anywhere. It was Hutch.

I don't wanna have to spend all my forever without you.  
Just knowing that you’re out there somewhere too.  
So darlin...  
please I'm begging you on bended knee...  
Find me.

Starsky closed his eyes to let the words flow over him. Hutch was reaching out, calling on Starsky to find him. This was how he felt when Hutch was trapped under his old clunker for days. Hutch never gave up. He knew his partner would find him. Starsky had to bite his lip to keep from screaming Hutch’s name. He slid to the floor, one hand still on the speaker letting the vibrations travel straight up his arm to his heart.

I've tried to tell this world how much I love you.  
But they don't understand how deep it goes.  
And I can't even find the words to tell you  
So I'm the only one who really knows.  
And though we had our time together, I am always wanting more  
So if we get separated won't you do just like before and

Find me...look hard  
And don't stop, I'll be waiting 'till then  
Don't sleep, and don't eat  
'till I'm back, back in your arms again  
Through a hundred million faces you will see me shining through.  
'Cause I'll glow when you come close , I always do.

“Oh, babe. You sound so beautiful but so terribly sad. I wish I could hold you ‘til all your sad songs turned to happy ones. Wadda ya doin’ singing about meetin’ me in the afterlife? You that far gone? You thinkin’ about… Oh, God! Please help him to hold on. I’m right here, Blondie. I’m gonna find you for sure. You hold on for me, babe. Don’t go where I can’t follow. You hold on till I get to you.”

So darlin'  
please I'm begging you on bended knee  
We can share our love through all eternity  
'Cause with you is all I ever want to be....  
Find me

“Hutch. Darlin’. You don’t ever have to beg. I promise I will. As soon as I can. I love you, my beautiful blond man.”

The song faded and the DJ sighed softly. _If that didn’t touch your heart, you don’t have one. This is Jesse Jones riding high on The Underground Railroad tonight. I wish you peace, love, and whatever happiness you can find in this big wonderful world. Goodnight, my lovelies._

Starsky wiped the wetness from his face and grabbed the phone. He heard a soft buzz and knew he had inadvertently left Huggy hanging. He struggled to his feet, hung up and dialed Huggy’s number again.

//Hug! Did you hear? It was Hutch! Hutch singin’ to me. He wants me to find him, Hugs. He still wants me.//

//I know, Curly. I heard. Nearly lost my composure for sure. Marion saw him perform just the other night. Seems like our masked blond was playin’ at The Other Side. Starsky, it’s a gay club.//

//I figured. I don’t care, Hugs. I’ll wear a dress and dye my hair pink if it will make Hutch take me back. But we’ll work that out later. I need him safe first. I’m gonna hang up and call this DJ, Jesse Jones.//

//Okay. Good luck, Starsky.//

Starsky called information and got the number for WSFM. Starsky finally hung up with a curse after it rang twenty times. He impulsively grabbed his jacket and keys. He almost made it to the door when Dobey bellowed, “Starsky! Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

~~~***~~~

Take comfort where you find it  
Whatever gets you through  
Take comfort don't be blind to it  
You must do what's a right for you

Hutch flew through the doors at Saint Francis Memorial Hospital’s emergency room. He still wore his black clothes and makeup from his gig at The Other Side. He didn’t care that he probably looked dangerously insane. He just wanted to find Jesse. Hutch knew Jesse had no one else.

The bartender had handed him the phone after his last set and he was told by the WSFM’s security guard that Jesse Jones had been attacked and was taken to Saint Francis. The guard had said, “I’m sorry, man. I got hit from behind. When I woke up I called the cops and found Jesse in his studio bloody and unconscious. Some bastard threw him through the glass wall. He woke up for a little while and asked me to call you at your gig. I’m not into the gay scene. But Jesse’s not a flamer like some gay dudes. I’m sorry he got hurt.”

Hutch was fuming when he hung up, hoping as a cop he had never sounded as prejudice as Johnny the security prick. But then owner of The Other Side offered to give him a ride to the hospital and the gentleman’s small kindness made up for it.

Hutch walked as quick as he could to the admission desk in the ER. He was informed that Jesse had been seen, treated and admitted. He was listed in fair condition. Hutch was directed to room 307. He was impressed by the efficiency of the hospital and relieved that at least it appeared that Jesse hadn’t needed surgery. 

Hutch took the elevator and cursed its slow arrival. He found Jesse’s room just as Jesse’s doctor was leaving. “Doctor, I’m…” Hutch hesitated a moment, but keeping his identity a secret suddenly seemed unimportant. He needed to see Jesse. “... Ken Hutchinson. A good friend of Jesse’s. He doesn’t have any family in the area. Could you possibly tell me how he is?”

The competent female doctor gave Hutch the once over and didn’t seem pleased. “I’m Doctor McKay. Hutchinson? Mr. Jones has been asking for his friend, ‘The Guitar Man’. I presume that is you?”

“Yes, that’s me. Sorry about how I look. I ran right over here from a gig, I didn’t stop to change. Jesse is my promoter and my friend.”

Doctor McKay seemed somewhat satisfied that Hutch was trustworthy. “Jesse suffered a mild concussion and some serious blood loss from being thrown through a glass partition. He should be fine in a few days. He had multiple lacerations, mostly on his arms and chest. He required quite a few stitches. I believe the tally was thirty-two.”

“Oh, the poor guy. He must be in a lot of pain. But no internal injuries?”

“No, his injuries are superficial. The blood loss has left him extremely weak with very low blood pressure. He needed a transfusion in the ER to stabilize him. But his vitals are good now.”

Hutch began to feel a bit lightheaded as the adrenaline stopped pumping through his body. McKay changed her demeanor to one of concern. “Are you alright, Mr. Hutchinson?”

Hutch held up a hand and took as deep a breath as he could. “I’m okay, thanks. I was just so worried. Doctor, when might he be released? He lives alone, but I’d be happy to stay with him while he recovers.”

Doctor McKay put a comforting hand on Hutch’s shoulder. “He’s doing well. I want to keep him at least overnight because of the concussion and I’ll need to start him on antibiotics. I would hesitate to send him home if he were alone, but if you’ll be with him, I think he could go home tomorrow afternoon. Why don’t you visit with him now, but remember he needs his rest.”

Everyone at times must run for cover  
Don't you know you really can't be blamed  
For in this you're just like any other  
There's no need, no need to feel ashamed

Jesse was sleeping when Hutch entered his room. He looked so small and fragile against the white sheets and bandages covering his arms, chest and head. Hutch felt a fierce protectiveness towards his only real friend in this golden city. 

Hutch came slowly to the bed and took hold of his wrapped hand. Hutch was glad they didn’t have to cut his hair. His curls were spread out over his pillow, freshly washed and partially dry. Hutch stroked his head and he slowly opened his eyes and tried to smile, only to grimace when he pulled at a few stitches in his lip.

“Hey there, sweetheart. It’s Hutch. You want some water?” Jesse nodded once, his eyes scrunching up with pain. Hutch quickly retrieved a glass of ice water with a straw and helped him sip it. “That’s better,” he croaked. “Hutch. I’ve gotta tell you what happened.”

“Shhhh.” Hutch tried to comfort his agitated friend. “You only need to think about resting and recovering. I’m here now, I’ll stay as long as you need me, babe. Why don’t you go back to sleep.”

Jesse gripped his arm. “No, Hutch. You have to listen. The goon who did this to me was looking for you and Starsky. He… he showed me a picture of the two of you. Said… said he was looking for a cop named Hutchinson. He said his boss was gonna be pissed at him. I didn’t tell him a thing, Hutch. I swear! Not a thing! The big gorilla believed me when I said I didn't’ know you but then he got furious, picked me up and… and…”

 

Hutch leaned over and gathered Jesse carefully in his arms, horrified that Jesse had been hurt because of their friendship. “Shhhh. It’s all right. I’m so proud of you. You are my hero, babe. I’m sorry you got hurt. No one’s gonna hurt you again. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Butbutbut… Hutch! This guy is a killer. What are you gonna do?”

Hutch gently stroked Jesse’s back. He fevently wished he could give more than just comfort to this sweet person in his arms. He wished he could give his heart to Jesse. But his heart was still bound to another man. “I was a cop, remember? I was a damn good detective, Jesse. I’ll go to the police and tell them who I am. My old Captain has connections here. If I have to, I’ll call him. But I promise you, I’ll get this punk.”

“Okay. I guess you’ll be safe if you go to the police. A cop talked to me already, Detective Keller. What a hunk. But I didn’t tell him I knew your name. He said he was a fan of my show and a big fan of yours. He went to see you at the club, three times. Maybe you should talk to him. My gaydar says he’s one of us. He has perfect hair, Hutch and a killer smile. Are you sure your connections won’t turn on you because you’re gay?”

Hutch sighed deeply. “Guess. I’ll find out.” Hutch held Jesse securely as he lowered him back on the bed. He fussed with his blankets and pillows and gave him more water. Jesse was calmer and his eyes were closing.

Hutch sat next to the bed and took his hand again. Jesse had put himself in harm’s way to protect him. Hutch was grateful for his selfless act. “Don’t worry about a thing, Jesse. When they spring you from this joint, I’ll stay with you and take care of you until you get your strength back.”

Jesse’s eyes popped open. “You will?”

Hutch laughed and leaned over and placed a kiss on Jesse’s nose. “Don’t act so surprised. You know I love ya, Jesse. I’m just sorry it can’t be in the way you want. But you’re a good friend and I take care of my friends. But I think you need to close your eyes now.”

“I love you too, Hutch. You’re a good friend too. I guess I need one of those.” Jesse drifted off with a soft smile melting onto his damaged lips. “Hutch? Ya think I should ask the pretty detective out?” Hutch leaned back in his uncomfortable chair. “Yeah, sweetheart, I do. You deserve all the love you can get.” 

Take comfort where you see it  
Whatever makes it right  
Take comfort when you need it  
To help you, help you through the night

Hutch stayed with Jesse till dawn, volunteering to wake him every two hours. On her early morning rounds, Doctor McKay checked Jesse’s pupils and was satisfied. She then administered some morphine so he could get some undisturbed rest. They both watched with concern as pain lines slowly faded from Jesse’s face, then chuckled when he started singing a medley of ABBA hits to his IV stand as he floated away.

Hutch confided in McKay that he was a Bay City cop on personal leave and the man who hurt Jesse was looking for him. McKay called security and had an officer assigned to watch Jesse’s door.

He hurried home to shower and change into a suit. He pulled his hair into a low ponytail and tucked it into his collar. He took a cab to SFPD headquarters and walked in with confidence like he’d been working there for years. He had been here a half dozen times over the years with Starsky and with Dobey and remembered being introduced to his friend Mike Stone. Hutch wanted to deal only with Stone. He felt he would be discreet and would understand that he didn’t want his old partner to come storming back into his life.

Hutch walked with authority right into the bullpen where Lieutenant Stone worked. He headed immediately to the coffeemaker, grabbed a nondescript mug that wouldn’t be anyone’s favorite and poured himself some coffee. He sipped and grimaced, it was worse than Starsky’s. He discretely looked around, hoping to find the file on Jesse’s assault on someone’s desk. He spotted Stone right away and kept behind him. 

The detectives that did look his way were greeted with a tip of his mug and a discrete nod towards the Captain’s office as if he were patiently waiting to be called on the carpet. They paid him no further attention. Hutch waited until Stone stood and went to talk to his Captain. He sauntered over to Stone’s desk and spotted his own name. It was scribbled on Stone’s notepad with the words ‘Gunther’ and ‘hit.’ It was also slashed across the top of a copy of an APB partially hidden by a report. 

Hutch felt the blood drain from his brain and his throat tighten. What was going on? He slammed the mug down on the desk and spun around to leave. He couldn’t believe Dobey wanted to arrest him. He didn’t do anything illegal in leaving his detective position in Bay City. Why would Dobey turn on him like that? Was it a frame up or did something unthinkable happen? He pulled out his ponytail roughly and let his hair fly.

Hutch hurried down the hall blindly, terrified of his own thoughts. He didn’t see the handsome blue-eyed man with light brown, perfectly blow-dried hair, until he bumped into him. “Oh, sorry, buddy.” As the man patted Hutch’s arm pleasantly, Hutch noticed the detective’s badge and glimpsed a shoulder holster under his jacket. 

“No, my fault. Too much bad coffee,” Hutch joked while he hid his face behind a curtain of cornsilk. 

The detective held on a moment. “Hey! You’re that singer,’The Guitar Man’ aren’t you? I caught your show at _The Other Side._ I’m a big fan!” Hutch pulled his arm away. “Sorry, buddy. Wrong guy. I’m just another cop.” Hutch walked away as fast as he could barely stopping himself from sprinting for the exit.

Behind him, the handsome detective shrugged and continued on to the bullpen looking forward to bullshitting with his partner, Mike Stone, before hitting the streets.

By the way we live in our confusion  
And the way that we misspend our youth  
By the time we're stripped of our illusions  
We may find illusions are the truth

~~~***~~~

Don't shut me out, shut me out, out of your life  
Don't shut the door, shut the door, door on my life  
You been lockin' a part of your love away  
You been holdin' out on me  
I just wanna get down deep inside of you  
So that I can set you free

Dobey stood in his backless slippers and big and tall man pajamas, trying to talk some sense into his anxious detective.

“Cap! Please! You gotta let me go to Frisco. Hutch needs me. He sounds so bad, Cap. Sooo bad. I can’t wait!”

“You’ll wait if I tell you to, Starsky! I know you want to run to him, but he’s should be fine where he is. No one will be looking for him on the stage at a gay club. I want you wait till the morning. I filled Mike Stone in on what’s happening. I want you to report to Stone as soon as you get to Frisco. Remember there’s an FBI undercover man’s life at risk here too. I don’t want our search for Hutch to blow his cover and get him killed. I trust Mike to keep this under the radar. Do what he tells you to do! I need to know I can trust you to keep your head. No running around Frisco throwin’ a private party. It’s a six hour drive, maybe five the way you drive, I want you to get some rest and leave in the morning.”

Starsky visibly deflated and grudgingly hung up his jacket. Dobey patted him on the back. “You go lay down on the bed, son. I’ll take the couch and read a bit. Do I have to tell the guys outside to detain you if you decide to bolt?”

“Naaaa, Cap. I am dog tired. Don’t know if I can sleep, but I’ll give it a try.”

“Good. I can still take you down, Starsky, if you try to get out that door. Get some rest for a couple of hours. I’ll make coffee and feed you breakfast before you go. And I’ll let Mike know you’re coming.”

~~~***~~~

Don't shut me out, shut me out, out of your mind  
Don't be afraid, be afraid, 'fraid of what I might find  
I would never be judge you for what you are  
You can say what's in your heart

Starsky made it to SFPD in a record three hours and forty-five minutes. He couldn’t boast of it to anyone since he used his lights and siren all the way from the suburbs of Los Angeles to the Golden Gate. The detectives in Lieutenant Mike Stone’s division were still skimming reports, checking leads on the phone and drinking insanely strong coffee when Starsky arrived. Mike was sitting on the edge of his desk, smirking at his young partner, Steve Keller. Steve was as handsome and idealistic as Mike was rugged and jaded. 

Starsky strutted up to the desk in time to hear Steve going on about someone he apparently just bumped into in the hall. “I tell you, Mike, he crashed right into me. I know he’s the same guy I saw the other night, even if he was wearing a mask when he sang. I mean there were other tells. Like his blond hair and long legs. I am a detective, you know.”

Mike crossed his arms and chuckled. “Steve, I’m just sayin’, if he said he was a cop, he probably was a cop. We are in a police station. And anyway, you know I love ya, Steve. But the less I know about your night time escapades the better I sleep.”

“Yeah,” Steve sighed. “He’s out of my league anyway. What a gorgeous man. What a fantastic voice.”

“Steve, please. What you like in a man is not my idea of office chit-chat, buddy boy. Anyway, no matter who he is, he’s not good enough for _my_ partner.”

Starsky cleared his throat. He was a little taken aback by the older cop’s casual acceptance of his obviously, out of the closet and proud of it, partner. Starsky offered a quick but respectful salute. “Lieutenant Stone. Dave Starsky. I work for Captain Dobey. We’ve met before.”

“Sure! I remember you, Starsky. Harold always raves about you and Hutchinson. His dream team. I’ll do whatever I can to help. This is my partner, Detective Steve Keller.” Steve offered his hand and a smile. Starsky took both. “You can bunk with either me or Steve while you’re here, if you like. Starsky nodded his thanks as Steve turned to Mike. “What’s this all about, Mike?” Mike gathered up the papers and files on his desk and waved a hand. “Let’s go to the conference room. Grab a coffee if you want Starsky.”

It's the things that you're hidin' that bother me  
And it's keeping us apart so  
If you really love me like you like to say you  
Really do  
Gotta open up and let the rest of you come  
Shinin' through 

Starsky soon knew how a gay cop like Steve had won and old veteran like Mike over. The man was articulate and sharp as a tack. In a matter of minutes he had gathered the facts and condensed them clearly. “Gunther is a local boy, you know. We’d love to see him do a humpty dumpty. So, let me get this straight, if I can. Your partner took off about a month before Gunther took out a hit on the two of you. Your brothers-in arms, Simmons and Babcock, took the hit and Gunther may or may not know about the mistake. Your partner settled in San Francisco and became a nightclub singer, the masked Guitar Man.” 

Steve pointed to an evidence bag containing a photo of Starsky and Hutch that had been dropped by the perp at Jesse’s studio. “Hutchinson is definitely ‘The Guitar man’ and the man I bumped into in the hall. So we know your partner was here just a few hours ago. I wonder why he took off?”

Mike had run the prints lifted from the bag through the computer system and came up with a positive ID, Lenny ‘The Moose’ Links, a known felon on Gunther’s payroll who lived up to his name brainwise. He shrugged. “Maybe he thought I wouldn’t help a gay cop.”

“I can certainly understand that, but he obviously doesn’t know you from Adam,” Steve said with sincerity,

Starsky picked up the APB. “Or maybe this spooked him. If he didn’t read the whole thing...”

Steve nodded in agreement. “Hutchinson hooked up with WSFM DJ Jesse Jones. I can understand that too. Jesse is one fine man. One loyal and brave little guy. Jesse gets assaulted by one of Gunther’s henchman, looking for Hutchinson. I spoke to Jesse myself early this morning. For some reason I always get called out on the gay bashing cases. Jesse wouldn’t tell me a thing. Said he didn’t even know the identity of ‘The Guitar Man’, just that he was his best client. He was protecting him of course. Protecting him from the cops and unwittingly from Gunther.”

“Jesse might have bought us some time,” he continued. “The Moose may not have fessed up to the bossman about his mistake. Hutchinson has probably figured out what Moose wanted but doesn’t know why. Jesse looked like he was in pretty bad shape, in need of a friend. I have a feeling Hutchinson won’t bolt, at least until Jesse is back on his feet.”

Starsky jumped up and started to pace. “This goon is lookin’ for Hutch. He’s gonna find him eventually. We gotta bring him in for his own protection. What are we waiting for?”

Mike put up a hand. “We’ll find him, Starsky. I just have one question. Why is he really in hiding?”

“Is someone else threatening him? Steve added. “Another cop?I know how hard it is to be a gay cop. Mike’s had to pull me out of some tough spots right here at the station. It must be even harder for a gay cop in Bay City…”

Starsky put up both hands to stop him. “No. No. You got it wrong. Nobody knew Hutch was gay not even himself, not even me. I’m the one he’s runnin’ from. He fell in love with me. But I thought I was in love with this girl… anyway he took off and I found out I was lost without him. I love him.”

Both of the young gay cops looked at their elder expecting some sort of disapproval. He lifted his eyebrows, shook his head and chuckled to himself. “It’s a brave new world, ladies. Let’s go find our lost lamb.”

Don't shut me out, shut me out of your life  
Don't lock the door, lock the door, door on my life  
Such a beautiful thing we could come to know  
If you'll only trust in me  
I just wanna get down deep inside of you  
So that I can set you free and  
Turn you loose so you can see

~~~***~~~

Hutch hurried home to his studio apartment that suddenly felt like a prison cell. His thoughts were a jumbled mess. Why was there an APB out on him? What had he to do with Gunther? They thought he was working for him now? A dirty cop? Nothing made sense. He found he was having trouble thinking like a cop without Starsky’s steadyfast love and encouragement. 

He packed his bags, leaving some odds and ends behind to make room for his art supplies. Hutch had a key to Jesse’s place and decided on the spot to move in with Jesse until he was healed. He’d buy a gun at a pawn shop and protect his friend until he had time to figure out what was going on and where to go from here. He’d vacate his apartment immediately and quit his gig. Money wasn’t a problem since Jesse suggested he transfer his formidable savings to a business account under the name, The Guitar Man. Maybe he’d buy a used car and take Jesse to Las Vegas, book them into a nice hotel and lay low for a couple of weeks.

When he was finished packing, he sat on his bed sore and weary. He rubbed at his shoulder, trying to lessen the pain of aching muscles. Looking around he knew he wouldn’t miss this barren room, but he would miss the city if he left. He felt free here. Free to express himself and to be himself. He let himself fall backwards, feet resting on the floor for just a moment before he headed out to find a cab. 

Thoughts of Starsky filled his mind. What would Starsky think of the new Hutch? Disgust? Polite tolerance? Hutch wouldn’t be able to stomach either one. He wanted so badly to talk to him. He knew Starsky would give it to him straight, even if he didn’t want to see him again. Starsky would know what to do. Could he handle being Starsky’s gay pal? Double date with himself and Jesse, Starsky and Kira? Hutch shivered at the thought. The friend-ship had sailed, tossed in a turbulent sea of emotions and wrecked on hearts of stone. Hutch slowly got up and gathered his guitar, his portfolio and his bags. His main concerns right now were Jesse’s safe recovery and keeping himself out of jail.

~~~***~~~

Mike let Starsky head to the hospital to talk to Jesse alone, but admonished him to check in with him or Steve when he was done. Mike and Steve were going to _The Other Side_ to talk to the owner and bartender, maybe get an address for ‘The Guitar Man’.

Starsky found Jesse sitting up in bed, poking a spoon into pale yellow goo resembling eggs. He gave up and absently dunked an herbal tea bag in a cup of tepid water. Starsky watched Jesse for a moment before making his presence known. He was surprised at the wave of jealousy that crashed over him when he thought of Hutch being good friends with this attractive, if eccentric looking man. Steve had been quite taken with Jesse and had fussed a little at Mike when he told Starsky to go talk to him. He wondered if Hutch and this cute little hippy were lovers. He shook that thought away violently and cleared his throat.

“Jesse Jones? My name is…”

Jesse dazzled Starsky with a bright smile. “Starsky! You are Hutch’s David. Wow, man. I never expected you to show up.” But then the smile disappeared as if a cloud had moved across the sun. “Shit. Then you know about his masked persona. Does Hutch know you’re here? If you hurt him again, I swear…”

“Hold it! Hold it, Mister Jones. Slow down. I’m here to help Hutch not hurt him. Ya gonna talk to me and hear me out? Or are ya gonna assume I’m a intolerant homophobic bastard and shut me down?”

Jesse pushed his tray away and leaned back obviously upset and in pain. Starsky’s voice softened. “Hey, you okay? Want me to get the nurse for ya?”

“Thanks, but I’m okay. I just… Hutch is my friend and my client I care about him and as his promotor I respect his confidences. I don’t want to see him hurt.”

“Good. We have somethin’ in common then. I need to find Hutch. I need you to tell me where he lives. Where I might find him.That goon that roughed you up is after Hutch and wants him dead. I know Detective Keller took your statement and I know you want to protect Hutch and believe me I’m grateful he found a friend like you…”

“Like me? Do you mean gay like him? Why should I tell you where he lives. You broke his heart. Have you heard his music? His lyrics tell of the pain he felt, the pain he’s still in all because he loved you and you turned him away. You are a fool Detective Starsky and I don’t deal well with fools.”

Starsky sat down beside the bed. “Mr. Jones, you are right. I was so blind. I had everything I needed, everything I would ever want right in front of me and never saw it. I love Hutch. I want him back to stay. I would give anything to hold him in my arms again. I know I hurt him. I’ll never hurt him again. Whatever he wants is okay by me. He wants to be a singer in Frisco. I’m there. He wants me to stop being a cop? I’d resign in a heartbeat and follow him around like a groupie just as long as he goes home with me at the end of the night.”

Jesse took a long time to answer. When he finally spoke his voice was choked with tears. “Hutch is a very special and talented man. He deserves to be cherished and loved. I wish it could be me, but he loves his David with all his heart and soul. I’ll tell you where he lives, where he might be right now. But if you hurt him again, if he ends up with another scar, you’ll answer to me. I don’t care if you are a cop. I’ll find you and make your life hell.” 

Starsky never doubted it for a moment.

~~~**~~~

Hutch struggled with his luggage up the stone steps to Jesse’s place. He sat down a moment before tackling the next flight of stairs to his friend’s top floor apartment. He reached into the pocket of his well worn varsity jacket and took out his inhaler. As he took a puff of the medicine, he never took notice of the man watching him from the shadows of the building. 

Moose chuckled to himself. He had been a bit worried about taking out a famous badass cop, but this pansy looked easy. He waited until Hutch made his way upstairs and opened the door. Hutch had loaded his arms with his baggage once more when Moose pushed him from behind. Hutch went sprawling over his suitcases and guitar and landed on Jesse’s hard parquet floors.

Moose closed the door behind him and raised his Smith and Wesson. Hutch took as deep a breath as he was able and kicked out with his long legs making contact with Moose’s wrist with a sickening crunch. Moose howled and the gun went skittering across the polished floor. Hutch managed to get up and readied himself for a fight. “You fucking fairy!” Moose yelled and barrelled into Hutch. Hutch continued the roll and ended up on top of the mountain. He got in a few good rights to Moose’s ugly face before he growled and pushed Hutch off. Hutch hit his head on Jesse’s metal stereo cabinet. He struggled to his feet dazed and bleeding from his temple.

Hutch felt like he had been hit by a freight train as Moose knocked him over again. This time Hutch was the one being pummelled. Hutch spotted the gun just under Jesse’s couch. Moose changed his tactics suddenly and put his hands around Hutch’s neck squeezing and spitting out foul inarticulate curses. Hutch’s bloodshot eyes glanced to the right trying to find the gun. He reached out and stretched his arm willing his fingers to grab hold of cold metal. Hutch tried in vain to push back the red haze forming over his eyes. He never heard the hurried footsteps on the stairs or the frantic cry of. “Huuuuutch!”

~~~***~~~

Baby I'm through runnin' it's true  
I'd be a fool to try to escape you  
Maybe I'm beat but oh what a sweet surrender

Hutch opened his eyes to find a soft cool cloth covering his eyes. He gave out a low, hoarse moan, his throat feeling like it was on fire. He tried to move his arm to push away the cloth but found his right hand had been handcuffed to Jesse’s bed. He started to panic and struggled against the cuff. The cloth over his eyes fell away.

“Whoa, there, Hutch! You’re gonna hurt yourself ya dumb blond.”

Hutch froze. Sitting on the edge of Jesse’s bed, grinning at him was Starsky. Hutch, ever the cop, remembered his attacker and glanced over Starsky’s shoulder. The beaded privacy curtain in the bedroom was pulled back and Mike Stone was in the living area reading the huge, groaning man his rights while his younger partner - Hutch recognized the detective he had bumped into at the police station - cuffed him. 

Mike sauntered over to the bedroom arch. “Good to see you again, Hutchinson. My partner and I will take out the trash. Take good care of _your_ partner, Starsky.” Mike winked and followed Steve out.

“Starsky?” Hutch croaked and tried to clear his throat. “Starsky, what the fuck’s going on?” He rattled his cuffed wrist. “You here to arrest me, buddy?”

“No.” Starsky gently dabbed at the cut on Hutch’s head with peroxide making Hutch hiss with pain. “No, buddy. I’m here to save your beautiful ass.”

Hutch pulled away torn between crying with relief and screaming with rage at the vision before him. “Starsky, so help me, tell me why your here and why I’m cuffed or I’ll…”

Starsky put down the peroxide and placed a gauze pad over the minor wound. He taped it down while speaking. “You’ll what Hutch? You already took everything I had when you left. You took my life, my purpose, my heart. What more ya gonna take, babe?”

“Starsky… I… I don’t understand.”

“Let me explain. You are cuffed because you are a slippery blintz and I needed to talk to you without chasing you all over the city, masked man.”

“So, you know.”

“Yeah. I know. What you don’t know is there was a hit goin’ down for me and thee. Gunther took a contract out on us, only that goon who attacked you and Jesse Jones and his equally mooselike goon buddies thought Simmons and Babcock were Starsky and Hutch.”

Hutch sat, up all thoughts of being restrained forgotten even as he winced when his hand caught in the metal links. “Oh, no. Are they dead, Starsk?” He reached with his free hand to massage his throat. When Starsky held up a glass of water to his lips, Hutch drank and slowly swallowed.

“No, babe. Simmons got shot but he’s doin’ great. Babcock wouldn’t let him die. You know how partners are.”

Hutch leaned back in relief. “Yeah. I do. So you did your partnerly duty and warned me. I’m not going back with you just to hide again.” He rattled the cuffs. “Starsky, I appreciate you searching for me because I was in danger. Is that why the APB?”

“Dobey just wanted to find you fill you in on the Gunther situation. He was worried. But listen, Hutch. Mike just told me that Gunther was arrested this afternoon. The contract he put out on me and thee was the straw that broke the bastard’s back.”

Hutch closed his eyes for a moment, letting everything Starsky said sink in. Starsky was so close. He couldn’t get away. He didn’t want to get away. He wanted Starsky more than ever. He opened his eyes to find Starsky even closer placing a pillow behind his head and gently stroking his hair. Hutch could barely breathe. “Starsky, I’m alright. I’m safe now. We both are. I… I found a new life here. I… I’m moving in with Jesse. Go home to Kira. Just undo the cuffs and go.” 

“No can do, Hutch. See there is somethin’ more I gotta tell ya and I have to know you’ll listen. That’s why the cuffs.”

“So tell me already!” Hutch’s free hand was waving in frustration. Starsky grabbed his wrist and leaned in pinning Hutch to the bed. He whispered, “Baby, I’m a want you,” and kissed his long lost partner. It only took a blessed moment for Hutch to return the kiss, tenfold, writhing under the man he loved, straining at Starsky’s restraints and wanting nothing more than to touch this dream come true with his fingertips to make sure it was real. Starsky pulled away and Hutch let out a prayerful, “Starsk, please,” not even knowing what he was pleading for.

“Easy, babe. Easy. I gotta tell ya, I love you. I missed you like I was missing part of my soul when you left. I broke up with Kira. She cheated on me, but It was over before it began. I never really gave her my heart anyways. I just didn’t realize I already gave it to you, Blondie. I was just lost without you. I know you got a new life, and if you want that life with Jesse by your side instead of me, I won’t like it, but I’ll deal. As long as you stay my friend. But know this, babe. I’m ready to commit to you. I’ll do whatever you want, ‘cause all I want is to be by your side. Hutch, sweetheart, I’d ask you to marry me in front of the whole wide world if I could.” Starsky removed one of the two rings he always wore together and held it up.

“Will you marry me in my heart, until the day we can do it for real, Hutch?”

Hutch tried to speak, but found he had to swallow around the lump in his throat. “Starsky, I love you, with everything I am. It’s always been you and only you. Jesse knows this. He’s a good friend. But he’s not my best friend, he may have been my sometime lover, but he’s not the man I want to make love with forever. That’s you, Starsk. And yes, I’ll marry you in my heart. Now put the ring on me and take off the cuffs. I surrender.”

You keep your rights, I'll take your nights  
No one can lose when we turn the lights out  
Tastin' defeat, lovin' that sweet surrender

Starsky chuckled and caressed Hutch’s cheek. “You surrender, Hutch? You gonna let me love you and cherish you like you deserve? You promise to stay wit’ me? No more runnin’ and keepin’ things inside that dumb blond head of yours?”

“I promise, Starsky.”

I'm givin' up myself to you but I didn't really lose at all  
I gained the only love I've known and it never hurt me to fall

Starsky dug his key out of his pocket and undid the handcuffs. As soon as he did he found himself face up on the bed with a beautiful blond on top of him. Hutch smiled down at him slowly and kissed Starsky like they were kids making out at a drive-in. Everything seemed so brand new and exciting. Even a simple kiss became a sensual delight of strong muscles, rough skin and equally matched passion. Finally, they were both laughing at their unbound pleasure and gasping for air. They fell apart and rolled into each other’s arms. 

Starsky was the first to recover. “Man, Hutch. If this is just kissin’ hello, I can’t wait till we really start to fool around. Hey, babe. I shoulda asked this like ten kisses ago, but are you okay? You feeling sick or dizzy or anything? You got some colorful bruises blossomin’ up.”

Hutch moved a little so that his head was resting on Starsky’s chest. He played absently with the tuffs of dark hair at the vee of his shirt. “Baby, I have never felt better in my life. You are going to stay with me here tonight, aren’t you?”

“Sure, babe.” Starsky let his fingers comb through Hutch’s long hair as he spoke, reveling in the texture of the silky strands. “ My bag’s in my car. I just gotta check in with Mike and give Dobey a call and Huggy of course.”

“Starsky, I really should go see Jesse. I’m all he has, Starsk. He’ll understand about us, but I still need to be there for him.”

Starsky tried to squelch the childish jealousy he felt. Hutch had just surrendered to him and for as long as it could last he wanted him all to himself. “Okay, babe. I’ll make the calls and we’ll go see him together. No way am I lettin’ you outta my sight. I got a feelin’ that Steve might like to join us. I think he’s got a thing for your friend Jesse.”

“Steve?” Hutch felt a twinge of jealousy also.

“Mike Stone’s partner, Steve Keller. He was just here taking that ugly Moose outta here. He’s gay, Hutch, a gay cop like us. He handles it really well. I think maybe there may be a place for both of here in Frisco by the bay.”

Hutch smirked. “So, you’re a gay cop now, Starsk?”

“I’m in love with the gay nightingale of San Francisco. Shout it loud, I’m gay and I'm proud.”

Hutch closed his eyes, glorying in the fact that he was wrapped in Starsky’s arms at last. “I love you, my David.”

“Right back at ya, sweet thing.” As they finally began their own version of frisking each other’s bodies, Starsky had no problem surrendering to Hutch as well.

Now that it's done, so glad you won  
I know our lives have only begun now  
No more retreat, only my sweet surrender  
And you, sweet thing in my life  
I surrender to you


	5. Epilogue; Goodbye Boy

Epilogue

Goodbye Girl (Boy)  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MaczkqNPBI

One Year Later

Hutch picked up the phone in the luxurious high roller suite in his Las Vegas hotel. He dialed the number he knew best. He sat down on the black satin bedspread and splayed his hand across the silky cover wishing Starsky was there to enjoy such luxury. He spoke softly so as not to awaken an exhausted Jesse who was asleep in the adjoining room. 

//SFPD. How may I direct your call?//

//Lieutenant Starsky, Special Crimes Unit, please. Mr. Hutchinson calling.//

//Please hold while I connect you, Mr. Hutchinson.//

Hutch hoped Starsky was in, even though it was early. He couldn’t get to sleep after his concert last night. He got in at about four in the morning, but sleeping was a lost cause because he missed Starsky so much. 

Hutch had performed to a sold out crowd at Caesar’s Palace the night before. Jesse was an amazing manager and Hutch was grateful for his almost magical abilities. Only Jesse would be able to pull off booking an openly gay singer to a top notch, Las Vegas hot spot. Of course, a gold record album under his belt had helped, along with a thumbs up from Tony Bennett, who recorded _David_ after asking permission to substitute his dear wife’s name. Hutch thought Mr. Bennett was a very nice man. Starsky nearly fainted when Hutch asked Tony to dine with them and he accepted. Hutch smiled remembering his partner’s huge blue eyes and starstruck stammer at dinner.

//Special Crimes Unit, Detective Keller speaking.//

//Hi, Stevey. It’s Hutch.//

//Hey, buddy boy! How you doing? It’s only eight-thirty. This is early for you to be calling, everything okay?//

//Everything’s fine, Stevey. I was just missing my hubs. Your better half is still sleeping. He seems to think I need a Blessed Protector ‘till I’m back safe in my room every night. I’ve tried to tell him he can miss a show now and then if he’s tired. But I’ll wake him when I’m done talking to Starsky if you want.//

//No. I’ll talk to him later. We like a little more privacy for our phone calls, if you know what I mean.//

//Privacy. What’s that? I can’t wait to get home next week and leave all this glitz and glamour behind. I like being just Starsky’s Hutch, you know?//

//I know, buddy. Oh, here’s the big boss now. I gotta go look busy. See you soon, Hutch.//

//Take care, Stevey.//

Hutch stretched out on his king size bed, wishing his lover was beside him.

//Hutch? S’hat you, babe?//

//Hey, lover. Can you talk for a little while?//

//Sure. You okay, Blondie? Why aren’t ya doin’ your regular Rip Van Winkle act?//

//I’m fine, worry wart. I just miss you, Starsk.//

//You feelin’ alright, sweetheart? You feelin’ poorly? Did you take your allergy pills? You don’t have a migraine do you? I hate you bein’ so far away!//

//Starsk. Calm down. I said I’m missing you, ya big dope, that’s all. I... i couldn’t sleep.//

//That’s it. Cancel the fuckin’ gig. I ain’t riskin’ you havin’ a breakdown. I ain’t losin’ you again!//

//Starsky! Holy Shit! What brought this on? I’m fine, baby. I swear.//

//… I miss you too. I get worried you’re not comin’ home, babe. I start rememberin’ when you left Bay City. I couldn’t go through that again.//

//Aw, baby. I’ll always come home to you. You are my home.//

//Hutch? Sing me _the_ song.//

//Ahhhh, Starsk come on.//

//Sing me the song you wrote for me. We both need to hear it. I know you worry about me too. You play it for hundreds of your fans every night. Sing me the damn song.//

//Starsk, baby. My equipment’s down at the theatre.//

//Don’t give me that. You got the old guitar I gave you after crazy Diane broke yours nearby, I know it. You sleep with that thing more often that you do with me.//

//Okay, Starsk. I’ll sing it just for you. Wait a sec…. Okay, here goes.//

//All your life you've waited  
For love to come and stay  
And now that I have found you  
You must not slip away

I know it's hard believing  
The words you've heard before  
But darlin’ you must trust them  
Just once more

'Cause baby, goodbye doesn't mean forever  
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again  
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away  
'Cause the things you do, my goodbye boy, will bring me back to you

I know you've been taken  
Afraid to hurt again  
You fight the love you feel for me  
Instead of giving in

But I can wait forever  
A-helping you to see  
That I was meant for you  
And you for me

So remember goodbye doesn't mean forever  
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again  
Though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart  
So forget your past, my goodbye boy  
'Cause now you're home at last

//Thanks, babe. I feel better. I love you.//

//Me too. I think I could sleep now, Starsk.//

//Okay. Sweet dreams, Hutch. Goodbye.//

//Goodbye, Starsky. I love you too.//


End file.
